On the internet, before any question could be Googled and then answered by Wikipedia, Casey spent most of their time exploring the strange items that eBay had to offer. They ranged from large exotic items such as a viking ship to small common household products. This was a time when there were no banned items on eBay. Casey could buy teacher editions of textbooks at cost, a bag of dirt for thousands of dollars, a human soul for a meer crisp single, the proof of ownership consisting of a name sharpied across a torn piece of notebook paper in poor penmanship, or even used underwear paired with a framed picture depicting the woman that supposedly had worn the garment pulled up to her navel in order to enhance the definition of her cameltoe for a hundred times more than the original cost of the eight pack of panties from Target. But by far the most intriguing listings were the cursed or haunted items – and of course the jarred farts. The cost varied wildly from a “total steal” to a “king's ransom.”

These write-ups provided hours of entertainment for Casey’s acidic mind. An Arab King’s cursed ring, found in a midwest junk drawer, that when worn the glass and pewter ban caused the very specific misfortune of stubbing five separate toes across both feet. Another posting boasted of a fit frat boy’s beer fart from some tortuous night on a booze cruise locked up in a mason jar. The listing of items like these went on for pages and pages, but on one particularly boring night, Casey found an amalgamation of anomalies in an incredible eBay listing from the user JanetTour_146 that boasted of an accursed genie fart.

Accursed Genie Fart

“While cleaning the archives at the National Museum of History, I found this creepy looking lamp. I’m only a sanitary engineer, so I know nothing about these history things but the lamp had a note that read:

‘I, Professor Dr. Phillip P. Fuksicals, after many years of traveling in the Far East discovered an actual ‘magic lamp’ while exploring ancient ruins. I have used two of the wishes already, which explains my sudden departure from archaeology, but the genie experienced a slip of the tongue and divulged that there is a way to gain infinite wishes. After pressing him further, he was unable to elaborate because any muttering about the secret to endless wishes would physically seal the genie’s lips as the result of an ancient magic curse. With other archaeologists out to murder me for the lamp I was forced to hide my treasure among the many objects in the museum's vault. They say it is best to hide a tree among the forest, and as long as I do not use my last wish, the genie will be bound to me, unable to grant any wish to another in my absence. Mark my words, I will return once I have discovered the genie’s secrets hiding among the ruins in which I found the lamp. I only wish now that I had learned of this secret before my first two wishes. Then, I could wish for the knowledge of how to obtain this source of endless wishes without losing the genie’s servitude to be by using my last wish. Be warned! I have put a curse upon this lamp for anyone wishing to steal my boon.’

I thought the whole thing was pretty weird sounding so I ignored the warning, and, being a sanitary engineer, I wiped the lamp down. Well, I guess that counted as a rub because out popped Greg, that’s the genies name. Well, it is now. I couldn’t pronounce his real name so we decided to settle on Greg because, you know, it works. We quickly became best friends. Greg’s just one of the good ol’ boys even after all those years locked up in a lamp. Greg can’t tell me the secret of the endless wishes. Some magic seal or something like that. You know, genie stuff. Anyway, Greg farts a lot, and one night we were watching NASCAR, drinking beer, and eating a butt load of cheese pizza when good old Gregie let one rip. I took one whiff of that stinker and said “Damn, son! I wish I had a nickel for every time you farted.” My wish came true! So now I’m flush with nickels. Me and Greg use them at the strip club. We like to spit on them so they stick to the strippers’ asses. Anyway, I decided I could share the wealth and start selling Greg’s farts on eBay. They’re tricky little things to catch, but I got me a ripe one. I didn’t have much warning beforehand so I had to use a plastic bag with a rubber band to seal it in, but it's in there alright. I’m sure this will be a mighty powerful wish once you smell it with your sniffer. Long story short Greg’s farts are magical, they smell real bad, and they grant one wish each. Disney rules apply: no killing, no loving, no resurrection, and no infinite wishes. I set the price real low because of the risk for the buyer, but I promise it’s well worth it. If it works, please leave five stars. Enjoy.”

Sure enough, there was a low-resolution picture of a plastic bag with a rubber band scrunched up around the top. This was a kitschy item Casey could not pass up. JanetTour_146 had sold fifty-eight items which included mostly lude trucker hats and semi rare baseball cards all with good reviews reassuring Casey of the quality of the product. Unfortunately there was no “buy it now” button and only thirty-seven minutes left to bid. Casey had become an experienced bidder with an extensive buyer’s history from countless engagements in bidding wars. Casey bid the minimum asking price of $3.00, but seconds later there was a counter offer of $3.07 from none other than Casey’s greatest rival and troll CrackBonner_69. During previous bidding wars, Casey and CrackBonner_69 would go dollar for dollar over the rarest items of the web. A Princess Diana Beanie Baby, a Roland Jupiter-8 synthesizer, and even a tissue Michael Jackson had blown his nose into. Of course, they were unable to purchase these items due to the lack of funds on both sides, but nonetheless, lessons were learned from these high-dollar auctions, and even more learned from the cheaper items.

After years of engagement, Casey knew that Crackbonner_69 would never use the auto-bid feature, either out of ignorance or pure pride. With this knowledge, Casey set the maximum bid at $7.00 and laid in wait for their trap to be sprung. $3.15 popped up next to Casey’s account name CitrisLvr4Lyf followed by $3.22 from Crackbonner_69. Casey's next bid of $3.25 instantly flashed on the screen. Then there was a long lull in the bidding before Crackbonner_69’s next bid of $3.32. This pattern repeated. A flash of $3.50 by CitrisLvr4Lyf followed by a lull until a counter bid of $3.57 by Crackbonner_69. Then a flash of $4.00 followed by another lull until the next bid of $4.07 ending with a flash of $4.50. A painfully long pause fell upon the bid with fourteen minutes left. Casey was not fooled by Crackbonner_69’s favorite trick of waiting until the last possible moment before placing an excessively large bid. This worried Casey because they may have not placed a high enough cap on their auto-bid limit leaving an opening for Crackbonner_69 to outbid Casey with no time left for a counter offer. $7.00 was already a lot to spend on a smelly bag of air, but Casey felt there was something special in that air and raised their auto-bid maximum to a whopping $8.00.

Time passed slowly. The seconds unsteadily ticking by due to a poor internet connection, adding to the drama. With seconds remaining, BAM!!!!!!!! Crackbonner_69 placed his final bid of $7.50. The clock turned to zero. The time read 12:30 AM, but Casey did not see their bid on the screen. Had the auto-bid failed them? Casey refreshed the page. It slowly reloaded from the top down over the dial-up connection. The battle played out again line by line until the final bid appeared. The name next to the winning bid was CitrisLvr4Lyf with an even $8.00. Casey had defeated Crackbonner_69 in open combat once again.

After typing in their payment information along with their shipping address, Casey left their rolly chair to head downstairs to the refrigerator for a drink of Texsun grapefruit juice. Casey let the fridge door swing wide open, the inner light casting Casey’s shadow onto the laminate countertop. They reached in to pluck a can from the plastic rings for the six-pack. They peeled off the metallic strip, the elastic fibers of glue stretching with a squeak until the strip snapped free, revealing the tear-shaped opening that narrowed towards the center of the undersized can. Raising the can to their lips, Casey pinched their tongue with the cold metal slit of the opening. The dull pink juice was tart with a hint of black pepper. The metallic taste of the can only enhanced the sharp bite of the juice. It turns out the sweet taste of victory comes in a 6 oz. can.

Casey could not afford the overnight shipping and was forced to wait the customary three to five days for delivery. This left an abundance of time to think about what they would wish for. Lying awake on their air mattress that night sipping on juice, Casey began to fantasize about all of their options. Killing, love, and resurrection were immediately off the table, but none of those choices were appealing to Casey anyway. No endless wishes, but what about endless pizza or tacos? The problem was if all the food came at once, then the mounds of pizza or tacos would rot before they could be enjoyed. Also any wish-load of goodies would need to be stored in a warehouse.

From Casey’s mind poured an endless list of wishes, yet any worthwhile wish was always impractical. Casey spent more time thinking about how not to be monkey pawed on the actual wish. Casey turned their thinking toward what makes them happy and how they obtained that happiness. Their computer, of course… and grapefruit juice. But how do those two things relate…? Money!!!! Everything Casey has ever wanted was purchased. Endless money is possible. Money doesn’t rot, money doesn’t take up space, money can make wishes come true. Money can do what wishes cannot. Money can kill by hiring an assassin, bring the dead back to life by paying for the latest medical operations, or make others love you for your wealth. Wishes can do none of those things. It was settled. Infinite money it would be. Casey had found a real-life wish maker, and all they had to do was wait.

* * *

Since high school was out for the summer, and there was no more homework, there were few distractions in Casey’s life. They filled their time arguing in online forums about video games, and internet mysteries. The constant rumble of the small air conditioner, precariously perched in their second story bedroom window, could not drown out the sounds of Casey’s neighbor Chad’s daily pool parties. Chad was the star quarterback at Casey’s high school, and the two were constantly trading verbal insults between classes, during lunch, in the parking lot after school, in the park or even during class. Casey had a bird’s eye view of the pool parties from their bedroom window, but the air conditioner that struggled to artificially cool the small area around Casey’s computer desk blocked most of the view. That is where Casey sat for most of the day except for when they walked to the nearest convenience store, which was inconveniently located twelve blocks away, to pick up a fresh six-pack of Texsun grapefruit juice and redeem the used cans for 5¢ each.

Casey would leave their house and have to pass by Chad’s house, where they could hear splashing and joyous laughter just beyond a tall picket fence. Casey then walked through the rows of ranch style houses, each one tanner then the last. When they arrived at the 7-Eleven, the humidity had become unbearable. They stepped onto the oversized black rubber mat causing the automatic doors to swing open inward. A blast of cold air slammed into Casey, rustling the plastic bag filled with empty cans they carried.

The layout of the store was typical of most 7-Elevens. Casey walked directly to the freezers in the back where the cold drinks were shelved. Other than the purple-haired clerk reading People’s magazine at the front desk, the only other person was an elderly woman pushing an empty cart around the claustrophobic aisles.

Casey squatted down to reach deep into the freezer, in the back of the rack where it was colder, for a six-pack. The old lady rounded the corner, and Casey was clearly in the woman’s way. The woman, rather than being annoyed, took an interest in Casey, “What are you getting there, child?”

“Just a pack of grapefruit juice,” Casey stood up holding the six-pack out for the woman to see closer, “It sure does help beat the heat, ma’am.”

The woman adjusted her glasses leaning in, “What is that, child?” She pointed to the plastic bag Casey held.

“Oh!” Casey lowered the six-pack and raised the plastic bag, “They knock off 30¢ if you return the old cans.” The old lady looked intrigued by this news. “Whelp, have a good day, ma’am, and stay cool out there,” Casey walked off towards the front counter.

“You too, child.”

Casey set the six-pack and the plastic bag of empty cans on the counter. Brushing her purple hair away from her eyes that were encircled with black eyeliner, the clerk looked up from her magazine. She rang up $5.99. Her nose twitched, irritated by her new piercing. She punched a few more keys. The digital display flashed again to read $5.69, and with one more smash of the keys, the total came to $5.98 after sales tax. Casey handed the clerk six dollars. The clerks' bracelets jingled as she took the bills placing them into the cash drawer. She scooped up two pennies, but Casey had already walked out the automatic doors back into the heat, so the clerk dropped the pennies in the “take a penny, leave a penny” tray. Casey removed the six-pack absentmindedly dropping the bag on the ground. The plastic bag quickly blew away while Casey plucked off the first can from the six-pack.

The old lady, still pushing the empty shopping cart, had followed Casey out of the 7-Eleven. Pushing the cart aside along the uneven sidewalk, the old lady transformed into the great shapeshifter Grandmother Coyote. She would often escape the midday heat by entering a gas station or grocery store. Then, while no one was looking, she would step into the freezer, disguising herself as some type of soft drink in the back row where she would sleep. At closing time, she would change back and exit the store before they locked up for the night. Only once had she been caught when she had overslept. It was inside a Chicago Quiznos during a heat wave and in the morning she was discovered inside the freezer of the sandwich shop. Her face was all over the news and now everyone recognizes her. Grandmother Coyote has to remain in disguise most of the time so she can continue her pranks and plots without being noticed.

Grandmother Coyote wanted Casey’s cans so that she could redeem them for the money herself. Seeing Casey’s plastic bag blowing away, Grandmother Coyote wasted no time turning herself into an identical bag and tumbling over to catch herself on Casey’s leg. Hearing a crash, Casey looked up from sipping juice to see a shopping cart toppling over. When Casey went to discard the loose tab, they discovered the bag flapping in the wind against their leg. Casey placed the remaining five cans inside the bag unwittingly carrying Grandmother Coyote home where she would wait for Casey to fall asleep, return to her true form, and sneak out with the empty cans for the refund.

When Casey arrived home, a small cardboard box was waiting for them on the front porch. Casey could hardly contain their screams of joy. They snatched up the box to hurry upstairs to their room, carelessly jostling the plastic bag full of cans, which made Grandmother Coyote nauseous. Casey plucked another can from the bag, and dropped the rest on the floor with a loud thud. They ripped the tab off to drink the juice, emptying the can in one gulp before slamming it onto the desk. Then Casey peeled the packing tape off the cardboard box to open flaps, and reveal the inflated plastic bag surrounded by packing peanuts.

As depicted on eBay, the Hy-Vee logo stretched across the side of the bag with a chapped red rubber band scrunched up around the top. The rubber band sphincter held the bowels of the bag tightly shut so that not a single puff of the precious gas could escape. Casey gently lifted the weighty bladder to their mouth, spilling packing peanuts onto the desk. They mentally prepared by saying, “Infinite money. Infinite money. I WISH FOR INFINITE MONEY!” Casey was still emptying their lungs when the rubber band snapped, crumbling into dust. In an act of desperation not to lose their wish, Casey covered their entire face, form-fitting the plastic bag around their features and filled their lungs with the magical fart.

The scent of roadkill, left to rot on hot asphalt in the high noon sun, was complemented by the pungent overtones of whisky vomit spilled into a toilet bowl filled with several teenage boys' stale urine, entered Casey’s nostrils. Casey’s knees were weakened by the aromas of the crinkling bag. Casey ripped the plastic bag from their face releasing the odor of moist dogs, half clabbered milk, compost, a sneeze inside a dust mask, and a mummified turd. The concoction of smells wafted about Casey’s deflating body. The stench staining their tongue with fowl taste. In hope of relief, Casey lunged for the empty can for what was left of the pink residue, but there was none. In a stupor with eyes wet and nostrils flared, they collapsed onto their air mattress, and afterward mumbled out loud into the thick air, “I wish I had a bottomless 6 oz. can of Texsun grapefruit juice.” Casey fainted. The darkness freed them from the miasma.

* * *

It was dark outside when Casey awoke. In their loose grip, they felt the cool cylinder of the Texsun can. The can was heavy unlike before. Confused, Casey stumbled to the desk with the now common plastic Hy-Vee bag, no longer holding in the magic fart, looped around their ankle. They flopped onto the desk chair to take a long slurp. In joyous amazement, Casey found the can was full of cold grapefruit juice in all its peppery tartness. Casey had to break away from chugging because there was too much juice to drink in one go. This was odd because Casey could easily drink an entire can in one quaff. Casey grabbed the bag full of cans to take to the kitchen.

Grandmother Coyote had tried for several hours to put her plan into action while Casey laid unconscious, but the remaining four cans' weight prevented Grandmother Coyote from changing back. Casey searched the cabinets for two 12 oz. glasses. They plucked the third can from the six-pack, pouring it into one of the glasses, filling it only halfway, and then pouring the magic can into the second glass. The juice rose past the halfway point, and kept filling up until it was spilling over the lip and onto the laminate countertop. Casey’s wish for a bottomless can of Texsun grapefruit juice had come true.

Casey no longer needed to go to the 7-Eleven. So, they put the three remaining cans in the fridge, crumpled up the plastic bag, threw it into the trash, pulled the liner from the trash can before setting it by the curb out back. Grandmother Coyote burst from the trash bag, determined to steal the magical Texsun can, and spilled its contents all over the curbside.

Casey had no reason to leave their desk to replenish their supply of grapefruit juice. The young cybernaut sat motionless in their dark bedroom for hours endlessly searching cyberspace while the air conditioner was cranking to full blast. Grandmother Coyote watched Casey’s silhouette, produced by the relentless glow of the computer screen, through the shades. She did this night after night waiting for an opportunity to sneak into Casey’s bedroom. Periodically, the bathroom light would turn on for an extended period of time before revealing that Casey’s grapefruit juice can was bottomless, but their bladder was not. If Casey no longer slept, then Grandmother Coyote would have to put them to sleep.

On an unseasonably cold night, Grandmother Coyote’s keen ears heard the low hum of the air conditioner click off and the neighboring window slide open. Quickly Grandmother Coyote turned into a wind-swept leaf fluttering silently into Casey’s bedroom landing near their desk. When Casey left for the bathroom, Grandmother Coyote transformed back into herself. She pulled up the dark web on Casey’s computer to log onto Silk Road anonymous marketplace. Casey could be heard wrestling with their bowels through the hollow bathroom door. Grandmother Coyote had little time to spare ordering a bottle of Rohypnol, and shipping it overnight straight to Casey’s front door. The sound of the flushing toilet warned of Casey’s return. Grandmother Coyote closed the browser window, turned into a used sock, and hid underneath the desk among the clutter.

Casey returned to continue their internet exploration through the night and into the morning until there came a knock at the door. Casey stood up from their rolling desk chair, bloated from the juice they sloshed from side to side as they descended the staircase to find a small cardboard box waiting on the front porch. Casey was confused by the sudden arrival of the package, but their name was on the label so it was likely they had forgotten a purchase in the blur of browsing. Casey returned to their room to open the box. In the box, they found an unlabeled pill bottle hidden in the shredded newspaper. Casey’s hands had become so swollen that they could barely open the childproof cap. When the lid finally came loose, Casey spilled the contents of the bottle onto the floor.

The exertion of the trip downstairs had caused Casey to need to pee again. Figuring they would pick up the pills later, if ever, they headed to the bathroom. Grandmother Coyote returned to her true form, picked up several pills covered in lint and hair, pushed them through the teardrop-shaped opening of the Texsun can, and heard each pill plop into the endless reservoir of juice. A flush rang out, and before the hiss of the tank refilling could be heard, Grandmother Coyote had turned into a burned CD labeled “Misc” laying on the desktop.

Casey sat down with a splash, and guzzled the drug-laced juice when their buttocks touched the rolly chair. Impatient, Grandmother Coyote transformed back, and sprang for the Texsun. Casey was startled by the sudden attack, and in defense, they splashed Grandmother Coyote in the face with grapefruit juice blinding her. She tumbled into Casey and knocked them both onto the air mattress. Knowing the content of the can, Grandmother Coyote viciously tried to wrestle the can from Casey’s swollen hand. The two passed out while entangled in each other's arms. The Texsun can rolled out of Casey’s hands onto the floor, spilling grapefruit juice on the already stained carpet.

The carpet did its best to soak up the grapefruit juice but it was soon overwhelmed by the sheer volume of juice that came pouring out the teardrop opening. The juice began flowing down the staircase taking the air mattress with it while Casey and Grandmother Coyote spooned atop the makeshift raft. The front door bulged outwards, acting as the last levee against the rising juice that filled the bottom floor, until the force of the juice became too great. The front door splintered, giving way to the deluge of citrus that flowed down every street and alleyway into the night. The deadly pink tide rose silently, and, before anyone could warn the small town of the oncoming flood, the town was lulled to sleep by the cold acidic waves of Rohypnol-laced juice that gently rocked Casey and Grandmother Coyote in their deep slumber as they softly drifted along in an ocean of juice.

* * *

The two awoke in a daze on the air mattress, bobbing in a pink ocean. The half-submerged sun reflected in the rippling waves of the grapefruit juice. They drifted along aimlessly before eventually colliding into an object. Casey, struck by curiosity, crawled to the edge of the mattress while carefully making sure not to capsize the raft. They peeked over the side to find that they had snagged a purple mass of wet, matted hair. Casey rolled the mass over revealing the face of the clerk from the 7-Eleven still dressed in her pajamas. Her corroded nose ring cut into her swollen pink skin. Dark eyeliner ran down her cheeks, and highlighted her blank stare. Casey turned away in disgust only to see that the pink sea was filled with corpses that rose and fell with the waves.

Casey recoiled towards the center of the raft to escape from the juice. Casey noticed their shipmate, “Grandmother from the front page of Reddit? What have you done? Countless people drowned because of your greed.”

“My greed?” Grandmother Coyote stuck a finger in Casey’s face, “You were the one who wished for the endless juice. I just wanted one measly can. If you had shared, this would have never happened.”

“Everyone I know is dead.” Casey covered their face and laid back onto the mattress

“Why do you care? You didn’t pay much attention to them when they were alive. It’s not like you're going to talk to them any less than you did before.” Grandmother Coyote stood at the edge of the raft watching as another vessel approached.

Casey crossed their arms, “Because I must die slowly in this hell next to you!”

“You're right there’s juice all round and not a drop to drink,” Grandmother Coyote watched the vessel draw closer, “So, you want to bring all these people back to life?”

Casey quickly sat up, “Yeah! Duh!”

The two recognized the approaching vessel as Casey’s desk. The computer was still magically plugged in. To Casey’s horror, Grandmother Coyote moved to the edge of the raft, “I can help you. It won’t be easy, but it will be fun. At least for me,” then stepped off the mattress, and calmly walked across the pontoon bridge of bloated corpses to the desk. When she reached the desktop she opened up Internet Explorer and logged onto Napster. Bending over awkwardly she moved the mouse to click the upload button. The thick cathode ray tube screen dissolved away, replaced by a powerful vacuum sucking anything nearby into the void of the internet through the open face of the monitor. “See you on the other side,” Grandmother Coyote crouched, and then jumped high into the air. She pinched her nose before landing onto the desktop, sinking the desk along with the computer monitor. The ocean of juice poured into the internet creating a giant whirlpool. Casey held the mattress tight as it circled around the whirlpool faster and faster. The whirlpool grew as juice and corpses spilled into the internet until Casey was sucked into the monitor. Their bloated juice-logged body, too large to pass through the screen, plugged up the opening. This stopped the whirlpool and caused the ocean of juice to come crashing down, drugging Casey once again. The force of the waves shoved Casey through the square opening of the screen, squeezing the excess juice from their unconscious body as they were thrust into the internet.

For a second time, Casey awoke in a drug-induced haze. A towering pile of pink bloated corpses confronted them. The bodies smelled sickeningly sweet from the hot grapefruit juice that they had marinated in before being sucked into the whirlpool.

“Which way should we go?”

Casey looked up to see Grandmother Coyote leisurely sitting atop the heap of corpses. Putting their hands to their mouth Casey shouted back,“WHAT?!”

“I SAID,” Grandmother Coyote cleared her throat, “‘WHICH DIRECTION SHOULD WE HEAD TOWARD FIRST?!’”

Casey yelled up, “I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE!” then put a hand to their ear to better hear Grandmother Coyote’s answer.

“WE’RE INSIDE THE URL!”

Casey wondered, “WHAT IS THAT?!”

“YOU’RE THE ONE WHO IS THE GREAT EXPLORER!” Grandmother Coyote threw her hands up, “WE’RE INSIDE THE INTERNET, C’MON!”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT, BRO?!” screamed a beefy voice from the other side of the pile. “IT’S STICKY AND SQUISHY TOO!”

Grandmother Coyote and Casey gave each other worried glances. Cautiously, Grandmother Coyote looked over the edge to find a boy about Casey’s age trapped under an avalanche of pink corpses, and trying unsuccessfully to free his lower half by wildly flailing his upper torso.

“Would you like some help?” Grandmother Coyote called down.

“Who dat?!” The boy stopped struggling, “Never mind. Yes! Yes! Whoever you are. Please help me, bro!”

Casey casually walked around the corpses while making sure not to go near them. Grandmother Coyote, on the other hand, scrambled down the heap, and dislodged a body that limply rolled to the ground. She slid down the final leg of the slippery slope, ending her descent with a crash into the trapped boy.

“Ouch! Quick! Help!!!” The boy started griggling his upper half once again, “I’m being buried alive in an avalanche.”

“Calm down. It's just me, Grandmother,” She placated the boy as she stepped off of him.

“Whoever you are, bro, just pull me out of this goo.”

“Goo? What are you? Blind?”

“Yes!” The boy looked up with two shriveled orbs, each one attached to a dried black stock protruding from his sockets.

Casey rounded the corner, “Chad from school? What happened to you?”

“Oh great. Is that Casey? Ick!”

Casey leaded over Chad, “What do you mean ‘Ick’?”

“Nevermind, dude.” Chad groveled, “Just help me!”

“No!” Casey crossed her arms, “Not until you tell us what happened.”

“Alright, but only because you two losers are extorting me.” Chad settled into the pile of corpses, “I was chillin’ in my pool watching the sunset while I floated inside my inner tube.” Casey rolled their eyes at Chad's extravagant lifestyle. “But, yo! Check it: I must have fallen asleep because, when I woke up from the sun, I was floating in an endless pink pool. Next thing I know, I’m being sucked into a giant whirlpool and when I came out the other side, I was here. Bro, I still have no clue where I am. So, I began exploring in hopes of finding a way out, but it’s pretty much like being lost in the woods - except the woods are full of trash. I mean, dude, all kinds of junk just laying everywhere.

“Anyway, as I walked through the trees I heard a jingling off in the distance. So, of course, I followed it until I saw a bushy tail. It was Priestess just jingling along. I was like, ‘Great.’ I'll ask her how to get out of this place, but she said she would only tell me if I beat her in a staring contest AND every round would cost me a nickel. What’s up with that? Luckily for me I was wearing my fanny pack. I like to have my chapstick and sunscreen close at hand while I take a dip. You know how it is. But I also keep a lot of change in my fanny pack in case I go to an arcade. I just happened to have a grip of nickels, bro.

“I handed Priestess a nickel. She then pulled open her pouch and tells me to ‘just drop it in with the others.’ So I do, and I heard a clanking sound from it hitting all the other nickels she had in there. Then she says, ‘Close your eyes, count to three then open your eyes, and we’ll start the contest.’ So I do, and I lasted a good two minutes on my first try, but Priestess’ eyes never wavered. I was like, ‘What the hell’ and dropped another nickel into her pouch. I kept trying to last a little long every time until I only had one nickel left. Bro, I knew it was my last chance to get the hell out of here. So check this: I told Priestess I needed to take a break to go practice. She said she’d wait. So, I find a mirror in all that forest trash to stare into it while tickling my eyes with a feather, and I had a bunch of box fans blow into my face. It was brutal, bro—”

“Wait! All this stuff was just laying around?” Casey asked.

“It's the internet, idiot. It's got anything you want in the Amazon Woods,” Grandmother Coyote said. “Go on, Chad.”

Chad cleared his throat, “Anyway, I trained this way for days—”

“DAYS?!” Casey interrupted again. “Grandmother, How long was I out?”

“Days, okay? Get over it, Casey,” Said Grandmother Coyote.

“Anyway!” Chad returned to his story. “After DAYS of training I got really good at staring, bro. So I went back, dropped my final nickel into Priestess’ pouch, closed my eyes for a real long time to make sure they were nice and moist, and when I was good and ready, I counted down.

“This was my last chance to escape, so I went hard in the paint. I stared with such intensity that I forgot I had eyelids, bro. My pupils never quivered, but Priestess just blankly stared with that dumb look. I don’t know how long we went on like that, but it had to be at least a few days—”

“How long was I out for?” interjected Casey.

“THE ONLY THING – The only thing I didn’t count on is that the sun never sets here. Which, I guess is because it is the internet. But, as the contest went on, my vision became weaker and weaker until it went dark. I began screaming, ‘I CAN’T SEE! I CAN’T SEE!’ but Priestess couldn’t have cared less because I heard her yawning. Can you believe that? Then she says, ‘Ooo gross, your eyes have dried up. They look like little raisins on the vine.’ Bro, that’s when I lost it. I tried to strangle the truth out of her, but all I could get a hold of was her tail. She still slipped away leaving me with a handful of greasy fur. I swear, dude, if I had won that sweet genie fart off of eBay I would wish that I had never been brought here—”

“You’re CrackBonner_69?!” Casey pointed at Chad, “You’ve been such a pain in my ass on eBay!”

“Oooooh, don’t tell me that YOU’RE CitrisLvr4Lyf?” Chad said with disgust.

“Yeah!” Casey said. “And I’m still pissed about that Ninja Turtle hat with the pizza brim.”

“Whatever, dude. I told you my story.” Chad pointed to his buried legs, “Now, get me out of this pile of whatever it is.”

“Its corpses.” Grandmother Coyote said bluntly.

“WHAT?! Get me out now!” Chad pleaded as he thrashed violently, causing even more corpses to spill on top of him. For entertainment, Casey and Grandmother Coyote let Chad struggle for a bit before pulling him from the sopping wet pile of corpses tossing him onto the ground with a thud.

“OK. Bye, Chad. Now that we’ve helped you, we’re off to find Priestess to get the hell out of here.” Casey said.

Chad tried to stand, “Wait! Dudes, you can’t leave me here. I’m helpless.” but slipped on the corpse juice still dripping from his tank top and shorts, “You don’t know where Priestess is. You’ll need my help.”

“I think we can listen for the sound of loose change. Thanks anyway. Bye, Chad.” Casey began to walk off.

“Nooooo! Please! You can’t leave me here alone!” Chad crawled after Casey, “I can give you advice about how to win the staring contest.”

“You didn’t do a very good job. So – hard pass,” Casey continued to walk off.

“If I had that KAG Gun I’d shoot you both,” Chad muttered to himself.

Casey stopped to turn and face Chad, “Oh, yeah? What the hell is —”

“You know where the KAG Gun is?” Grandmother Coyote grabbed Chad by his pink-stained tank top lifting him to his flip-flop-clad feet.

“Yea! Of course.”

“Lets go!” Grandmother Coyote pulled Chad along by his hand, “Which way first?”

“Uh, well, I…don’t really know where it is. Priestess just said I would have better luck killing her with the KAG Gun. I don’t even know what ‘KAG’ means, dude, but clearly Priestess knows where it is, and maybe she’ll take pity on me and tell us where it is.”

“Not likely since she’ll think you want to kill her with it.” Grandmother Coyote tossed Chad aside.

“Hold up!” Casey held up a hand to stop Grandmother Coyote, “What the hell is a KAG Gun?”

“It’s the Kill Anything Gun Gun.” Grandmother Coyote made the shape of a gun with her paw, and pushed against Chad’s temple causing him to fall over.

Casey lowered her hand. “Yeah, but how can it kill anything? Isn’t that the point of a gun?”

Grandmother Coyote let out a long sigh, “When the internet was created so were monsters called Consumers who ate up all the resources. The internet became a barren wasteland and the Consumers were going to invade the IRL next. That’s your world, Casey – if you didn’t know.”

“Thanks, Grandma!”

“In response, the KAG Gun was created to stop the Consumers from entering the IRL and also to restore the URL, a.k.a the internet if you couldn’t figure out on your own Casey. The Consumers were the embodiment of greed, the idea of always needing more. So, in case the Consumers enter the IRL, the gun had to work in both worlds. The only way to do this was to design the gun to kill not only physical bodies but also ideas. That is why it is called the Kill ANYTHING Gun…Gun.

“One by one, the Consumers were killed except for their leader who went into hiding. It stopped the Consumers from entering the IRL, but it only takes one to devour both worlds. If we find the KAG Gun, then I can finally secure the safety of both worlds. That’s why we need to hurry and find Priestess.”

“But shouldn’t we ask Priestess how to get out of here or how to bring everyone who drowned back to life?” Casey asked.

“None of that will matter if the last Consumer enters the IRL because there will be no world to go back to,” Grandmother Coyote said. “Since a connection to the IRL has been open, the Consumer has a way to leave the internet. We need to find the KAG Gun so I can kill the last Consumer. Then, we can find a way to bring your town back to life and return you home.”

“But what about me?” Chad continued to struggle to his feet.

“We have no use for you. You’ll only slow us down,” Grandmother Coyote turned to walk away.

“But I owe you my life.”

“Keep it. We have no need for it.” Grandmother Coyote and Casey entered the Amazon Woods, and left Chad behind.

The woods were littered with a bizarre assortment of objects scattered among the trees. Small trinkets and toys evenly lined the forest floor while larger items like refrigerators were partially submerged into the ground. It became more difficult to walk the farther the two went into the woods. The sound of leaves crunching underfoot was replaced by the squeaking of dog toys.

“There’s no way we’re just going to happen upon Priestess in this jungle,” Casey tripped over a vacuum hose. “We need to think of another plan —”

“SHUT UP!” Grandmother Coyote ears perked up.

“God! You don’t need to be so rude about —”

“Shhhhh, listen,” Grandmother Coyote pointed off into the distance.

Grandmother Coyote moved toward the steady clinking of coins. Casey followed quietly behind. The jingling grew louder as the two passed a large kiddie pool that leaned against an old sycamore tree. There they saw Priestess Opossum trotting easily through the messy underbrush with her naked tail raised high into the air.

Grandmother Coyote whistled, “Priestess you sound like a jogging cash register.”

Priestess Opossum scanned the forest with her beady eyes, “Oh! Hi, Grandmother!”

“I want to challenge you to a staring contest!” Grandmother Coyote said as she clumsily stepped through the trash.

“Sure! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you last,” Priestess Opossum trotted over with excitement. “It’ll be a lot of fun to catch up and play some silly games.”

“No, no, no, not for fun,” Grandmother Coyote said as she kicked toys out of her way in frustration. “I want to know where the KAG Gun is.”

Priestess Opossum stopped in her tracks, “So, after all this time, the only reason you want to see me is to know where that gun is?”

“Ya, of course. Now hurry up. I don’t have a lot of time to waste on this thing.” Grandmother Coyote began pushing Priestess Opossum from behind. “Where do you want to do this thing?”

“Stop pushing me!” Priestess Opossum snapped. “If that’s how it is, I have the perfect place, but I’m not taking it easy on you. So, just follow me. Don’t shove! Just follow.”

Priestess Opossum led the two to a pristine glade that she had expressly made to be ideal for staring contests. There was not one piece of litter on the luscious carpeted green grass. Grandmother Coyote and Priestess Opossum sat across from each other while Casey sat behind Grandmother Coyote. Priestess Opossum pulled her pouch open, and pointed into the opening for Grandmother Coyotes to insert her coin.

Grandmother Coyote whispered to Casey, “Do you have a nickel?” Casey shook their head. “Come on, Priestess. How long have we known each other? You know I’m good for it.”

“We’ve known each other for a long time, Grandmother, and in that time, you have cheated me constantly. If you want to play, you have to pay.”

“Alright, alright! Come on Casey let’s find a nickel somewhere. Priestess, you stay right here so I can find you,” The two left the glade, and walked back to the edge of the Amazon Woods.

Casey was relieved to be back on steady ground, “Where are we going to find a nickel?”

“In that pile of dead people,” Grandmother Coyote hurried to where they had left Chad.

“What? Why?” Casey asked.

“That Texsun can is somewhere in there and it’s worth five cents,” Grandmother Coyote pointed to the pink hill of corpses that had come into site. “We can use it to pay Priestess.”

Casey “But if that can had came with us, wouldn't everything be flooded by now?”

“No. The URL is infinitely larger than the IRL, so the internet would never flood,” Grandmother Coyote walked up to the edge of the soggy pink hill of corpses. “There’s no avoiding it.” She dove paws first into the pile of corpses. Casey picked up a stick to poke into the bodies trying to avoid being squirted by juice. Grandmother Coyote’s twitching tail slid into the pile as she dug deeper to search through pockets and between loose flaps of skin.

Grandmother Coyote tossed out the unwanted objects creating a separate pile of junk. Casey’s computer desk came crashing down the side, landing with a hollow metallic boom followed by a slew of buoyant personal items and lots of rubber duckies. Casey’s half-hearted poking struck something that took a hold of the stick. Casey tried to wrestle it back. The back and forth went on for some time and finally ended with Grandmother Coyote erupting from the heap, “Why are you poking me?!”

Casey threw the stick aside, “I thought you were the can.”

“I can’t be because the can is not here.”

“Then where would it be?” Casey then saw a roaring tide of grapefruit juice come crashing past creating a pink river that flowed beside the heap of corpses .

“That answers your question,” said Grandmother Coyotes “If we find the source of the juice river, then we can find the can.” Grandmother Coyote stepped out of the corpses, “Help me carry your desk to the bank.”

Casey picked up to the other side, “How is my desk going to help us?”

“It’s the closest thing we have to a boat.” Grandmother Coyote picked up one side of the desk

Casey picked up the other side, “There’s literally a forest full of junk. I’m sure there is some sort of boat in there we can use.” The two waddled toward the grapefruit river,

“Nah, that will take too long.” Grandmother Coyote grunted, “This will work just fine.” The banks of the pink river were lined with sleeping creatures who had foolishly drank from the drug-laced river. The two dropped the desk, the metal legs sinking into the pink sand. Grandmother Coyote caught her breath, “We’ll need some sort of motor to travel against the river’s current.”

Casey pulled open the small top drawer of the desk, “Maybe there’s something in here.”

Grandmother Coyote opened the largest drawer near the bottom to dig through the mess of office supplies, “Here we go. This is perfect!” Grandmother Coyote drew forth a spray bottle with a plastic fan attached to the nozzle. “We can use this as our outboard motor. All we need is…duct tape! Casey, hold the motor in place so I can tape it tight to the stern.” Grandmother Coyote circled the desk with the tape, which squealed with every pass, and ended with a loud pop when the roll ran out. Unprepared, Grandmother Coyote went tumbling with the spool still in her hand. She dusted herself off as she stood back up, “Let’s launch Deskside into the Snoring Pink.”

“What are you talking about?” Casey asked.

“Come on, Casey. Have some imagination.” Grandmother Coyote shook her head with disappointment. “I named our boat the ‘Deskside,’ and the ‘Snoring Pink’ is a great name for the grapefruit juice river. Obviously! Hurry up, we don’t have time to wait while you stand there, mouth agape, trying to catch a fly.”

“I literally can’t right now with those names,” Casey helped push the Deskside into the roaring juice. The two boarded the vessel, flipped on the switch to the little fan, and sailed up the Snoring Pink. Grandmother Coyote steered the Deskside against the powerful current that had become crowded by sleeping animals who had unknowingly drunk the drug-leased juice. Casey admired the sleeping fish swirling in the boat’s wake, “You would think they were all dead if it weren’t for their snoring.”

“They always say that ‘sleep is the cousin of death,’ but sleep is only temporary and you can experience another lifetime in your dreams. Death is permanent and forever. It’s literally the lack of life,” Grandmother Coyote stared into the distance. “I’ve lived so long and have lost so many friends that I created the URL so I can go on living forever with my friends. Really, the saying should be ‘the internet is the cousin of sleep.’”

“Back up!” Casey said, with surprise. “YOU created the internet? I thought Al Gore created the internet?”

“No!” Grandmother Coyote clarified, “During his service in the United States Congress, he took the initiative in creating the internet. He took the initiative in moving forward a whole range of initiatives that have proven to be important to his country’s economic growth and environmental protection, improvements in our educational system, but I created the internet. Thanks, Al.”

Casey was still confused. “But how do people live forever here?”

“We’re all just ideas, and ideas can live forever.” Grandmother Coyote wiggled her fingers over her head, “The internet is just a world where those ideas can live forever.”

“Then how did all these creatures get here?” Casey pointed to the sleeping beasts along the banks.

“Those are the ideal versions of their forms from the IRL. For example the perfect Play-Doh exists only in the URL, while in the IRL, all Play-Doh is flawed in some way. Either the color is too muted or the dough is too thick. It could be anything. But, in the internet, the Play-Doh is perfect because it's just the idea of Play-Doh.”

A large pink waterfall of juice appeared on the horizon with a thick pink mist hovering around its base. Grandmother Coyote beached the Deskside downstream from the waterfall, “We’re going to have to portage the ship from here to the top of that juice waterfall in order to avoid passing out from the mist of Juice Falls.”

Climbing the slippery, rocky outcropping beside Juice Falls was treacherous. Casey struggled to lift the front of the metal desk as its chrome legs scraped against the sharp rocks while Grandmother Coyote pushed from behind. They made progress slowly up the steep cliff where a large tranquil pink grapefruit lake laid undisturbed at the top.

“This lake, Loch Slumber, is the source of the Snoring Pink so the Texsun can must be at the bottom of this lake ” Grandmother Coyote shoved the Deskside over the top of the ridge.

Casey dropped the front of the desk, “Aw! You and those stupid names. Alright, but how do you propose we get to the bottom of the ‘Loch Slumber’ without being drugged?”

“There’s got to be more stuff in the drawers,” Grandmother Coyote said as she pulled open the top drawer and peered inside at the cluttered mass of school supplies, parts from broken toys, and of course, more junk.

“I may need that stuff for school,” Casey tried to shut the drawer in protest.

“You don’t have a school to go back to,” Grandmother Coyote pulled open another drawer and examined its contents. “Ah! Here we go” – Grandmother Coyote selected a plastic bag, a spool of twine, and a bottle of Tums, she continued, – “Now, let's head to the middle of Loch Slumber.”

They slid the drawers shut and launched the Deskside into the pink lake. “Casey, turn on the motor and keep circling around the middle. The current wants to pull us over Juice Falls.” Grandmother Coyote tied the twine around her waist. “Hold this end. And when I tug on it, pull me up.” Then, Grandmother Coyote lifted the plastic bag high above her head.

“You won’t be able to breathe,” Casey held the rutter in one hand and the end of the twine in the other.

“I’ll drown if I don’t,” Grandmother Coyote took a deep breath then pulled the inflated plastic bag over her head, tying it securely before jumping into the juice and quickly descending to the bottom of the lake. She was unable to see through the grapefruit juice so she sifted through the silt scrambling to find the Texsun can when she felt something swim past her. Running out of air, Grandmother Coyote feared what the phantom creator could be and, not wanting to find out, she tugged at the twine. The twine went taut, and pulled her back to the surface, but as she shot up, she felt a mouth close around her leaving her in complete darkness.

Grandmother Coyote was swallowed into the cramped constricting stomach of the phantom beast. While she writhed around to free herself, she felt a hard metal tube poke her in the back. When she reached around, she felt the cool corrugated sides of the Texsun can. She desperately kicked at the stomach walls, but it was no use: The jaws of the beast stayed shut. Remembering the Tums, she opened the lid of the bottle, and, with her last breath, began vigorously shaking out the tablets which stirred up a frothy mess. The foam pressed against the stomach walls allowed Grandmother Coyote room to move. A mighty rumble erupted into a massive belch and projected her back into the murky juice. The still-attached twine violently pulled her to the surface of the lake and onto the deck of the Deskside. Casey ripped the plastic bag from Grandmother Coyote’s head.

“GUN IT!” Grandmother Coyote screamed while pointing toward Juice Falls.

Casey sped toward the falls as the beast leapt from the depths of Loch Slumber. A fish head protruded from the neck of a plucked chicken’s body. Casey pushed the motor to its limits as the creator’s shadow darkened the speeding vessel, “What is it?”

With wide eyes Grandmother Coyote exclaimed, “A Smoked Chicken Fish!” The beast flew through the air landing just behind the Deskside. The wake from the beast’s giant splash pushed the tiny boat forward, launching it over the falls. The Deskside went airborne for a short distance as the massive wave fell to the river below. Without the Texsun can, Loch Slumber quickly emptied. With the last drops of juice poured over the falls the Smoked Chicken Fish took flight in pursuit of its prey. The Deskside landed with a splash into the Snoring Pink, and once again the shadow of the Smoked Chicken Fish darkened the tiny vessel. Silhouetted by the sun, the beast let out a gurgling screech. Not only was the Deskside racing the Smoked Chicken Fish but also the river drying up from behind. In desperation not to ground the boat, Grandmother Coyote overturned the Texsun can onto the propellers of the outboard motor causing the bow to lift into the air revealing the front drawers. The Deskside gained speed, but the Smoked Chicken Fish continued to gain on them. “Keep pouring the juice over the propeller!” Grandmother Coyote shoved the overturned can into Casey's free hand.

Grandmother Coyote leaned over the starboard to open the desk drawers, “There’s got to be something in here that can help us.” She quickly found a ream of paper that she made into paper airplanes to throw at the Smoked Chicken Fish, but the paper planes became damp and were easily dodged by the agile beast who had begun its descent with the intent to sink the Deskside. Without looking, Grandmother Coyote hurled anything she could get her paws on at the Smoked Chicken Fish. Pencils, pens, and even a drawing compass stuck into the soft pink flesh of the Smoked Chicken Fish, but it did not slow the beast. Grandmother Coyote pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “You know these are bad for you,” Grandmother Coyote said while looking disapprovingly at Casey before hucking the pack at the Smoked Chicken Fish.

“I only tried one and I didn’t like it. Don’t judge, okay!”

During the pack’s ascent, the cigarettes spilled out so that the Smoked Chicken Fish was able to catch a loosey in its mouth. It hovered just above Grandmother Coyote. She rummaged inside the drawer for a lighter. When she found one at last, she turned the flint wheel. “Damn child lock!” she yelled. Over and over she tried to start a light, but only sparks spit out.

“You have to turn up the little lever thing in the front,” Casey said.

“Okay, Smokey!” Grandmother Coyote turned the lever then flicked the flint wheel. The little translucent orange plastic lighter emitted a large overpowering flame that the Smoked Chicken Fish was able to take one large pull before rising back into the air and gently landing on the bank of the dry riverbed of the Snoring Pink to enjoy its smoke. The Deskside continued down the quickly vanishing river. When they reached the Amazon Woods, the pile of corpses had been washed away by the Snoring Pink in their absence. The two were barely able to pull the Deskside ashore before the river ran dry.

Casey secured the Deskside with a chain of paperclips attached to an anchor shaped paperweight. Grandmother Coyote pulled a small strip of duct tape off the desk to cover the opening in the bottomless grapefruit juice can. With the can secured, they headed into the Amazon Woods, which was more cluttered than before, making it difficult to traverse the terrain and even obscuring the entrance of the clearing with cardboard boxes. Only the sound of muffled talking helped guide the two through the refuge.

As they pushed their way into the clearing, the cardboard boxes tumbled into the glade which revealed Chad having a lovely conversation with Priestess Opossum. Casey stepped into the glade while crushing boxes underfoot, and asked “What is he doing here?”

“Chad has been keeping me company while I was waiting for your return,” Priestess Opossum said.

“Yeah, bro!” Chad pumped his chest. “And I’m here to make sure Grandmother doesn’t cheat.”

Grandmother Coyote clutched the Texsun can to her breast, “I would never!”

“Aren’t you worried that since Chad lost his eyes to your stupid contest that he may cheat you in revenge,” Casey pointed out to Priestess Opossum.

“It must not be that stupid if you want to play. Besides, you can watch Chad to make sure he doesn’t cheat.”

“That sounds perfect,” Grandmother Coyote swiftly sat down before anyone could object.

Priestess Opossum stretched out her pouch, and Grandmother Coyote dropped the Texsun grapefruit juice can into the pouch. “What do you think you’re doing? That’s not a nickel. You're cheating again, Grandmother!”

Chad jumped to his feet, “Ah ha! I caught you, dude!”

“Look, Priestess, this item is as good as a nickel,” Grandmother Coyote pointed to the 5¢ rebate.

Priestess Opossum brought the can close to her and stared for a long time, “So it does! That's perfect then!” Her tiny pink paws dropped the can back into her pouch with a clink. “Chad, count us off.”

“Fine. Close your eyes. Ready? One…two…three…GO!”

Coyote’s amber eyes locked with Priestess Opossum’s solid black beads. The sun beat down on the clearing where the four sat in total silence. Eventually, Casey and then Chad slowly drifted off to sleep from pure boredom while Grandmother Coyote was being pushed to her limits by the relentless heat of the sun and taunted by the meditative state of Priestess Opossum. Fearing she would succumb to the same fate as Chad, Grandmother Coyote pressed on even as her eyesight began to weaken.

Though her eyesight was failing, her ears remained sharp because she could ever so faintly hear the distinct sound of snoring. She slowly leaned towards Priestess Opossum until they were almost nose-to-nose, making it clear that Priestess Opossum had learned to sleep with her eyes open.

Grandmother Coyote crept over to Casey and placed a hand over their mouth, “Shh, Priestess is sleeping with her eyes open. This is our chance. Go to the Deskside and bring back markers. Quickly.”

Without a word, Casey crept through the Amazon Woods over the treacherous trash piles that had become unstable due to their size. Once at the Deskside, Casey found an old unused package of magic markers buried near the bottom of a drawer. Hurrying back they bounded up and down the loose slopes of garbage that swayed with every step. When they reached the apex of a rather steep slope, they could see the opening of the glade. During their descent, the trash suddenly shifted underfoot. The mound collapsed onto Casey, trapping them in an avalanche of bric-a-brac that tossed them into the clearing with only their head and outstretched arm, still holding the magic markers, remaining free from the crushing weight of the trash.

Grandmother Coyote tiptoed to where Casey laid half submerged, “It was a miracle your commotion didn’t wake up the others. Now quick: draw eyes on my eyelids.”

“Help me out first!” Casey wined.

“We don’t have time. Just use your free arm to draw.”

“But I write with my other hand.”

“It doesn’t matter. Just hurry!” Grandmother Coyote kneeled down so that Casey was able to reach out to draw the first eye with their weak hand, a misshapen blue oval with an off-centered pupil creating the feel of a lazy eye. “How does it look?” Grandmother Coyote opened her other amber eye for comparison.

“Looks great,” Casey realized they had used the wrong color. “Now let me do the other side real quick.” This time Casey focused, and drew a fairly well rounded brown eye with a perfectly centered pupil, “Okay. You’re all good. What are you up to?”

Holding a finger up to her lips, Grandmother Coyote winked with her blue eye, “Just watch.” She returned to her seat and closed her eyes for some well-deserved rest.

Casey helplessly looked on at the sleeping trio as dark storm clouds rolled in. The light slowly fading over the two contestants that continued to stare on during their slumber. A flash of lighting lit up the clearing, illuminating a bizarre scene of three figures facing each other without seeing one another, followed by a thunderclap. The group awoke to a torrential downpour. Instinctively, Grandmother Coyote rapidly blinked her eyes flashing between blue, brown, and amber, her gaze wildly changing direction. The marker ran down her face, causing Priestess Opossum to rub her eyes in shock.

Grandmother Coyote leapt to her feet, “You lost!”

“Priestess did?” Chad slipped on the wet grass.

“Okay, Priestess. Tell me what I want to know so we can all get out of the rain.”

“You're not going to like what I have to say. You've been gone a long time, Grandmother. You should have held onto that gun because Consumer ate it just so that you could never get your paws on it in case you ever came back,” Priestess Opossum said.

Grandmother Coyote hung her head.

“If it makes you feel any better, you get all the nickels since you won,” Priestess Opossum said as she pulled open her pouches and let in the rain.

“You keep them for now. Let me just get that can back. You can use the nickels to keep playing your game.”

“Really?! Thanks, Grandmother! That’s so kind of you,” Priestess Opossum handed the can back. “If you ever change your mind, you can write to me at 801 9th Street NW, Washington, DC 20220, USA and let me know what to do with the money. Well, I’m going to get out of the rain now, but you should talk to Coach. He can tell you where Consumer is hiding. Best of luck, Grandmother.”

“Wait up. I’m coming with you, Priestess,” Chad crawled after her voice. “I don’t want to be left out in this storm.” Priestess Opossum skittered out of the clearing while Chad held her bald tail tightly. Grandmother Coyote was left standing silently in the rain.

“Grandmother! Help! I’m being washed away!” Casey clung to a giant inflated pink flamingo floatie. They bobbed among the buoyant trash that was being swept away toward the Snoring Pink’s dry river bed. Grandmother Coyote dove in after Casey, but they were already too far ahead.

Grandmother Coyote swam through the refuge that littered the water to the awaiting Deskside which rocked among the waves still anchored in place. Casey had been swept downstream by the strong current. Grandmother Coyote threw herself onto the deck, pulled up the anchor, and raced full steam ahead into the deluge.

With trash lapping at the deck, Grandmother Coyote searched for a pink blur in the pounding rain. Plush toys, caught up in the sudden torrent, cushioned the Deskside against the jagged rocks that tore at the sheet metal hull. Over the roar of the spate and squall, Grandmother Coyote heard a cry for help up ahead. She cut the engine as she approached a large red cooler made into a makeshift canoe spinning in an eddy. With little time to think, Grandmother Coyote gunned the motor towards the eddy, pulling whomever was inside the sinking vessel onto the deck.

“I’m saved!” Chad’s shivering hands clung to the deck.

“We’re not safe yet,” Grandmother Coyote yelled over the wind. “White water ahead.”

“No way, dude! Is it too late to put me back?”

“Shut up, Chad!” Grandmother Coyote turned the Deskside sharply to avoid a refrigerator. “If I had known it was you, I would have left you there.”

Stuck among the rocks of the rapids was Casey clinging to the neck of the pink flamingo innertube.

Grandmother Coyote sped forward and commanded, “Chad, hold onto something. We’re about to hit a rough patch!” Chad grasped Grandmother Coyote’s waist. “No, I didn’t mean me!”

The Deskside scraped over hidden rocks as it moved closer to the pink flamingo. No amount of plushies could fend off the rough waters of the river. Grandmother Coyote fought the current to reach Casey. “Grab my hand,” she told them. But Casey’s wrinkled hand was too slippery. Grandmother Coyote reached out again while grabbing hold of the flamingo's beak. The pink innertube stretched farther and farther until it ripped open on a snagged rock. The escaping air launched the pink flamingo upward, lifting the three crewmates over the rapids to safety on the adjacent shore. Too tired to move, the trio watched the Deskside continue to tumble downstream. Grandmother Coyote pulled the innertube over the three of them to wait out the storm.

When they awoke, the clouds had dissipated revealing the eternal sun, and the Snoring Pink had returned to its calm demeanor. Grandmother Coyote tossed off the deflated pink innertube, “Welp, we’re not getting far without a boat. Let's walk down the bank and find the Deskside.”

Most of the content from the Amazon Woods had washed up onto a floodplain. The three trudged through the swamp of trinkets to a large mound of stuffed animals where the bent chrome legs of the desk stuck out. Their bodies still aching, they pulled the boat from the refuse-littered mud. Large gashes ran along the haul.

“Damn it! We’re screwed!” Grandmother Coyote kicked the Deskside with a bang.

Casey bent down to look at the damage, “Can’t we repair it?”

“I don’t know how to do that,” Grandmother Coyote said.

Chad moved his hand over the dents and dings, “It's just like doing bodywork on cars. If I still had my sight, I could fix it with my eyes closed.”

“What’s the difference?” Grandmother Coyote patted Chad on the back. “Looks like you volunteered yourself. Now, get to work while we find Coach.”

“I don’t have anything to fix it with,” Chad stared blankly at Grandmother Coyote with his withered eyes.

Grandmother Coyote picked up a pair of aviator sunglasses and gingerly placed them on Chad’s face, “You got everything you need lying right here in this swamp of crap. Just feel around for what you need. I believe in you.”

Leaving Chad behind, Grandmother Coyote and Casey crawled up the steep banks onto an endless plain of grass.

“What the hell is that moving over there?” Casey pointed to the horizon dead ahead.

The sun beat down onto the open prairie. Grandmother Coyote shaded her eyes, “That’s Coach.” Far off in the distance was a turquoise bear wildly dancing in the relentless sun while wearing purple bejeweled sneakers that sparkled in the sunlight across the prairie. “Hurry! We need to catch up to him,” Grandmother Coyote sprinted through the tall grasslands.

“Wait up!” Casey caught up with Grandmother Coyote. “He’s not getting any closer.”

No matter how fast the two ran, Coach Bear stayed a good two football fields away from them while fluidly moving from one dance to the next. Out of breath and dripping with sweat, Casey and Grandmother Coyote fell to their knees while still trying to move forward. Coach Bear, full of boundless energy, leapt effortlessly into the air and then landed into a head spin without a bead of sweat on his turquoise fur.

Grandmother Coyote’s tongue dribbled limply from her mouth as she panted, “I should have never given him those damn shoes.”

“What’s so special about those sneakers?”

“They’re just dancing shoes.”

“Stop, stop, stop!” Casey flopped onto their back to rest. “There’s always more to the story with you. Just spill the beans because we’re not going to catch up to Coach.”

Grandmother Coyote rested next to Casey, “You’re right. As long as he has those shoes, there’s no catching up to him.”

“So why the hell did you give them to him?”

“I was bored.”

“Okay, great. That makes A LOT of sense.” Unable to move, Casey stared up at the cloudless sky, “We’re not going anywhere, so fill me in.”

Grandmother Coyote let out a deep sigh, “When I first created the URL, it was barren. Out of boredom, I asked the two Coaches to have a dance battle for fun. Their dancing was amazing. We would laugh and cheer as they would try to outdo each other, but then they would get tired and need to rest. While they recovered, I would get bored again. So I decided to create three pairs of Magic Jordans that would allow the Coaches to have endless energy.”

Casey sat up, “Great, let’s go get one of the other two dancers and have them catch up with Coach.”

“There’s only one other dancer and he’s not available.”

Casey flopped back onto their back, “It’s always one step forward and two steps back with you.”

“That’s it!” Grandmother Coyote stood up as her legs continued to shake. “Get up! We have to walk backwards.”

Knowing it was no use arguing, Casey stood up and together they began walking backward toward the way they came. After only a few steps, Casey bumped into someone soft and furry knocking the person over.

Casey turned to see Coach Bear’s snout down in the grass. “Why don’t you look where you’re going?” Coach Bear said. Coach Bear rose to brush the dirt from his thick turquoise coat before turning around to notice Grandmother Coyote, “Oh, Grandmother, I didn’t know this was your friend. I haven’t seen you since the dance-off.”

“It’s good to see you again, Coach.” Grandmother Coyote flashed a toothy smile, “Priestess told me you know where Consumer is hiding.”

“I sure do,” Coach Bear said as he crossed his arms.

Grandmother Coyote shyly asked, “Soooooo, where?”

“I want a rematch first, Coach Bear blurted out.

Confused, Grandmother Coyote looked upward, “You know the other Coach is stuck in the Blue Sky Vault.”

“I don’t care. You made the shoes that put him up there,” Coach Bear pointed upward. “So you need to find a way to get him down.”

“Alright, alright,” Grandmother Coyote said as she stuck her finger in Coach Bear’s face. “I’ll get your stupid dance partner back so you can have your stupid rematch, but you wait right here. Let’s go, Casey.” Grandmother Coyote stormed off back to the river bank.

Casey hurried after Grandmother Coyote and asked, “What the hell were you two talking about back there? Just get the third pair and have the dance battle yourself. I’m sure that will be fine.”

“There isn’t a ‘third pair.’ There are only two people that have those shoes.”

“Why would you give two pairs to one person?”

“The Coach you met dances on two legs. The other dances on all fours, so I gave him two pairs. I told those two it would make the battle unfair, but they didn’t want to listen to me, of course.”

“How did the whole thing turn out?”

Grandmother Coyote continued to march toward the river and explained, “The battle was incredible. For days, the two of them danced so hard and so long that they made a crater in the ground. They pulled out all their best moves, and their moves became more acrobatic as the battle went on. The Coaches were evenly matched before the Magic Jordans, but the extra pair made the other Coach unbeatable. Foolishly, he taunted the Coach you met, ‘Face it: with you only wearing two shoes, there’s nothing you can do that I can’t beat.’ The Coach you met jumped up and landed into a dizzying headspin knowing full well the other Coach was incapable of doing a headspin. Faster and faster he went while kicking up dust, and before long, it was a full-blown tornado. I had to hold on for dear life so I wouldn’t be sucked in, but the other Coach, having four shoes on, couldn’t take a hold of anything, was swept up into the tornado, and disappeared through the Blue Sky Vault. The Coach you met finished his headspin in a lounging pose with his head resting on his hand. He was so proud of himself. He had this stupid grin plastered on his face. But when he looked around to see the reaction of the other Coach, he was nowhere to be found. It slowly dawned on him what had happened. But by then, the Blue Sky Vault had sealed up. He was so pissed at me for what happened that he just danced off without a word.”

“Why don’t you just make another pair of shoes yourself?”

“You don’t get it. The Coach you met wants a rematch with the other Coach who is stuck in the Blue Vault. Not me. I have no clue how to get him back down. Besides, I can’t make more Magic Jordans. They're a limited edition. That’s why we’re going with a different plan.”

Grandmother Coyote slid down the bank back into the floodplain where Chad was still tinkering away on the Deskside and said, “Looks like you’ve made some progress. Will she float yet?”

“Nah, bro. I still have a lot of repairs to do,” Chad replied as he pounded away with his Hello Kitty hammer. “I just got the drawers to open again.”

“That’s great,” Grandmother Coyote pushed Chad aside to rummage through the supplies. “Casey, look for some sneakers similar to the Coach's shoes in all this trash. You’re going to help me make a fake pair of Magic Jordans.”

“What? Why?” Casey tripped while climbing down the embankment, and tumbled into the trash.

Grandmother Coyote slammed the drawer shut after finding a hot glue gun, a bag of bejeweled purple rhinestones, and golden string, “Get back to work Chad.” She dumped the crafts onto the top of the desk, “You’re going to trick Coach into swapping shoes with me.”

Casey dug through the trash for any kind of sneakers, “And how is that going to work?”

“You’re going to tell the Coach I met that I have gone off to fetch the other Coach from the Blue Sky Vault and that I will return shortly. But, in the meantime, he should rest,” Grandmother Coyote said she pointed to Coach Bear. She then pulled out the Texsun can, and placed it on the table with the other crafts, “Then you're going to offer him a nice cool drink of this. We’ll swap the shoes after he passes out.”

Casey trudged over to the Deskside while holding out a plain white pair of tennis shoes, “The best I could find are these Adidases.”

“That will be good enough,” Grandmother Coyote said as she snatched up the shoes and slammed them onto the desk causing Chad to jump. “No one really looks at their own shoes anyway.” Grandmother Coyote furiously hot glued the cheap plastic trim to the boring tennis shoes. When she was done, she held up the decorated tennis shoes covered in purple rhinestones stuck on with large glops of hot glue accented by loosely hung golden string. The tennis shoes bore a surprising resemblance to the Magic Jordans. “This will do,” Grandmother Coyote said.

Setting the shoes aside, Grandmother Coyote combed the beach until she found a water glass and an old Lisa Frank backpack. She shoved the faux Magic Jordans into the backpack, “Put this backpack on and make sure Coach does not see the fake shoes. Now, hold the glass and can. When you approach Coach, offer him the juice, but pour the grapefruit juice into the glass. That way, when he passes out he can’t spill the can. The last thing we need is another Snoring Pink.”

Casey put on the backpack, “Why do I have to be the one to do it?”

“Because no one really trusts me anymore. Okay. Now, go!” Grandmother Coyote shoved Casey towards the embankment.

Casey scrambled up and sheepishly walked toward Coach Bear lying patiently in the grass. Despite his reclining position, Coach Bear stayed the same distance ahead of Casey. Remembering the trick, Casey took a few steps backwards before tripping over Coach Bear and breaking the glass in the fall.

“What is wrong with you?” Coach Bear shoved Casey off of him and stood up to shake off the shards of glass from his fur.

“I’m so, sooooo sorry,” Casey realized they were still holding the Texsun can. “Um, I just came to tell you that Grandmother is getting the competition—”

“Competition?! He was more than my ‘competition.’ He was my closest friend, and Grandmother took that away from me.”

Casey stood there awkwardly,. “Uh, you want a drink while you wait.”

“No thanks, I’m fine,.” Coach Bear politely declined.

“I just figured you would be tired after all that dancing,” Casey held the can out.

“I don’t get tired with these bad boys on,” Coach Bear clicked the heels of his Magic Jordans together.

Casey took another step closer, “You must be parched from the sun.”

“No. I’m used to the sun.”

“Well, it tastes really good,” Casey continued to move closer. “You should at least try it since I brought it all the way here just for you.”

“I don’t really like sugary drinks.”

“But juice has electrolytes, so it's good for you,” Casey lifted the can up to Coach Bear’s mouth.

“Okay! Fine! If it will shut you up,” Coach Bear took a long deep quaff from the Texsun can before forcefully handing it back to Casey. “There! Does that satisfy you…” Coach Bear trailed off as he fell to the ground asleep.

“Help me switch his shoes,” said a voice just behind Casey.

Casey spun around to find Grandmother Coyote standing there with a boombox she had found in the trash, “Oh, God! You scared the hell out of me!”

Grandmother Coyote began vigorously pulling at the left shoe, “Come on. Help me out.”

Casey got their first up-close look at the Magic Jordans when they grabbed the heel. Small cylindrical beads sewn together with golden thread made up the deep rich purple and white highlights of the shoe. The sole was made of pearls with the word “bear” spelled in turquoise inlay. Casey looked over to the other sole which read “bull” in coral inlay. The shoe popped off, sending the two tumbling over each other. Coach Bear’s bare paw gave off a terrible sandy smell that made it difficult to stomach wrestling the other shoe free. When both paws were liberated from their stylish prison, Casey admired the long black claws protruding from each turquoise toe.

“Now, for the hard part. We got to get the knockoffs on,” Grandmother Coyote tugged at the ill-fitting footwear while Casey shoved Coach Bear’s paw into the confining space of the new shoes. When both of Coach Bear’s paws were crammed into the fake Magic Jordans, Grandmother Coyote and Casey collapsed in exhaustion. “Okay, my turn,” Grandmother Coyote stretched her paws out and wiggled her toes at Casey.

Casey pulled the golden laces as tightly as they could, “They’re too big for you.”

“Not for long,” Grandmother Coyote slowly transformed into a hulking coral bull with massive golden horns. Each one of the four hoofs was clad in a Magic Jordan.

Casey pointed to the two front legs, “Where did you get an extra pair?!”

“Those are fake. The real ones are in back,” Grandmother Coyote kicked up dust to demonstrate. “With only two shoes, it’s still going to be a challenge to beat Coach. Now, pick up the boombox and watch.” She walked over to Coach Bear and kicked dust onto him, “Wake up! We have a battle to get to.”

Through blurry eyes Coach Bear looked up, “Bull?”

“Yes, now let’s head over to the crater. I can’t wait to school you again.”

Grandmother Coyote walked off, disguised as Coach Bull, leaving Coach Bear lying on the ground to watch the ornate soles of the Magic Jordans stirring up small clouds of dust.

Coach Bear struggled to get to his paws, “Bull, how have you been?” He staggered after Coach Bull. “I’ve missed you all this time.” Grandmother Coyote steadily trotted in her disguise towards the crater and stopped at the edge to wait for Coach Bear. Coach Bear continued, “Bull, we have so much to catch up on. I’ve been dancing since that day —”

“We’ll have plenty of time for that afterwards, but I want to see these new skills you're talking about first,” Coach Bull leapt off the edge to gallop down the sloped walls of the crater to the bottom.

Coach Bear, still unsteady on his paws, sat on the edge while dangling his legs over the side. He then shoved off of the edge in hopes of sliding down, but halfway down he took a spill and tumbled the rest of the way. The fall brought Coach Bear back to his senses. “After all this time. This is how you treat me? You were my best friend, and now you’re cold and distant.” Coach Bear strutted to the center of the crater pushing past the disguised Grandmother Coyote and said, “If you want a battle. You’ve got one. I’ve been practicing this whole time since you left, and your four shoes aren’t going to help you this time.”

Grandmother Coyote realized she may have overplayed her hand with her disguise.

“Come on! What are you waiting for?” Coach Bear called up to Casey.

Casey sat atop the crater with the boombox and pressed play. The small speakers pumped fat beats into the crater below.

“Let’s go!” Coach Bear threw his arms up as he began to top rock.

Still adjusting to her new form, Grandmother Coyote countered with a clumsy cake walk.

“Oh, so you're going to clown me?” Coach Bear asked as he dropped into a wild six-step while forming a low dust cloud around him.

Feeling more comfortable in her new skin, Grandmother Coyote put her coral red legs to the test with a basic jitterbug in which she steadily swung her four legs back and forth. Seeing this infuriated Coach Bear, causing him to unleash a volley of wild footsteps the further added to the growing dust cloud so only flashes of his counterfeit shoe could be seen. Grandmother Coyote noticed little purple rhinestones being ejected from the dust cloud. Coach Bear’s shoe slid out of the dust just long enough for Grandmother Coyote to see tufts of turquoise fur protruding between the seams.

Grandmother Coyote lifted her heavy frame onto her back two hooves in order to perform the sprinkler. Through the dust, Coach Bear could see the Coach Bull imposter jauntily swaying his arms in the air. Coach Bear threw himself to the ground into a perfect execution of the worm. Grandmother Coyote switched to the Macarena. Coach Bear moved into a spectacular coffee grinder, flinging his legs around him. The sole of the shoe peeled off prominently displaying the bottom of his paws. In a final act of antagonism, Grandmother Coyote gave a poor rendition of the Hokey Pokey. This enraged Coach Bear and drove him to leap high into the air. After briefly appearing above the dust cloud, Couch Bear dove back down into it.

The dust cloud was sucked into the air, revealing Coach Bear in his signature headspin. He knew full well that Coach Bull was unable to perform the dance because of his large golden horns.

Coach Bear began to spin slowly with his arms extended, and then gradually pulled them in tight around his body to create a tornado that had sucked the dust upwards into the Blue Sky Vault. Casey grabbed a hold of the edge of the crater as the gale sent the boombox flying. Without cover, Grandmother Coyote dug her four heels into the dry dirt. Coach Bear continued to gain speed causing his shoes to fly clear off his paws. A shard of glass Coach Bear had failed to remove from his thick turquoise fur early came free. At the climax of Coach Bear’s headspin, he shot out of his headspin and landed with a boom onto his feet. He then sprang back into the air with a yelp and grabbed his right paw in pain from a rather large piece of glass sticking out of the bottom of his paw.

Grandmother Coyote sauntered up, which created a screen of coral with her bulky body, “It’s over. Admit you lost.”

In the distance Casey scrambled down the walls of the crater to join the dancers.

“You didn’t even put up a fight,” Coach Bear said as he teared up. “We used to be so close…you’ve changed.”

Casey ran up to Coach Bear, “Okay, you lost. Tell me where Consumer is hiding.”

Coach Bear pulled the shard of glass from his paw with a grunt and tossed it aside. “Knowing Grandmother, I would think she would want to be here for this,” Coach Bear said.

Casey stood there unsure what to say until Grandmother Coyote gave them a swift kick with her back hoof. “Uh, Grandmother is…uh, back at the ship... She is helping Chad repair our boat so we can get back on the water. You know how Chad is. He can’t do anything by himself without making a mess of it.”

“Well, I hope your ship is seaworthy,” Coach Bear was crestfallen. “Consumer lives somewhere under an island - a strange island called Pizza Cat Island - but only Madam knows how to get there.”

An uncharacteristic high-pitch cackle erupted from the bowels of the Coach Bull charlatan, his large coral sides and golden horns shrank as he returned to the figure of Grandmother Coyote who continued laughing with her thin shrill yelp. “You were always a sucker, Coach,” Grandmother Coyote kicked off the Magic Jordans. “I don’t need these anymore. You can have them back.” Grandmother Coyote tossed the shoes at Coach Bear’s paws, “Come on, Casey. Let’s see if Chad’s finished. We have an island to find.”

Struck by a sudden exhaustion, Coach Bear looked down at his bare paws and realized what Grandmother Coyote had done. Unsure if the deception was gall or guile, Coach Bear became incensed. He donned his Magic Jordans, laced them up tight, stood up, and, full of power surging through him, took a deep breath then let out a roar that shook the Blue Sky Vault above.

Grandmother Coyote whipped around with a look of fright. A beam of light shown down onto Coach Bear from a crack that had opened up in the Blue Sky Vault from his roar. A pair of purple sneakers glistening in the light fell from the crack above where a small coral blob flanked by glittering gold could be seen. The blob was waving with a bare hoof. The Magic Jordans fell into Coach Bear’s front paws. He slid on the second pair, twisted his torso to the side, and then let every sinew and muscle of his body snap which launched him into a dizzying headspin. The blur of turquoise sent a funnel of dust heavenward towards the crack in the Blue Sky Vault. Casey and Grandmother Coyote had no time to scale the crater walls before they were sucked into the whirlwind rising up toward the crack. The two feared they would become trapped inside the Blue Sky Vault, but as they circled the vortex, the silver boombox came whizzing by.

Grandmother Coyote lunged for the boombox, but it was too fast, “Casey, help me grab the boombox next time it comes around!” The howling winds made it hard to hear. Grandmother Coyote pulled Casey close and told them, “We have to slow this tornado down. Here it comes again!” Grandmother Coyote shoved Casey into the path of the boombox. It slammed squarely into Casey's stomach and knocked the wind out of them. “Great job!” Grandmother Coyote flew over. “Let’s see what's on the dial.” Grandmother Coyote ciphered through the radio stations until she landed on soft ambient modular synth music. She cranked the volume and held the boombox over her head toward the center of the tornado. The winds began to slow, steadily lowering the two towards the floor of the crater. Nearing the bottom, the shard of glass from Coach Bear's paw came zipping through the air. It lodged into the controls of the boombox which changed the station to brutal death metal. The wind picked up and sent Grandmother Coyote and Casey back up the dust funnel toward the crack. A turquoise flash passed them and ejected them from the tornado high above the ground. Clutching each other close, they plummeted towards the Snoring Pink, whose leisurely current had been turned up by the wind.

“Aim for the water! It’s our only chance!” Grandmother Coyote could see the wind pushing the boat closer to the river. Chad desperately held onto the Deskside. Grandmother Coyote flew overhead, “Chad! Get the boat in the water!” Chad hopped onto the Deskside and let the wind launch the craft into the roaring water filled with the trash from the Amazon Woods. A swarm of inflatable toys pelted Casey and Grandmother Coyote as they approached the water as Grandmother Coyote commanded, “Grab a hold of as many as you can get your hands on!” The two spread out their limbs wide and let the inflatables collect around them. They braced for impact. The two landed in the middle of the river, which caused a giant splash of inflatable toys.

Hearing the splash, Chad steered the Deskside against the turbulent waves to Grandmother Coyote’s voice. “Over here!” cried Grandmother Coyote. Drenched, the two climbed aboard as Grandmother Coyoted commanded, “Give me the motor. You can’t see what you’re doing.” Grandmother Coyote shoved Chad to the bow, she kicked the engine into high gear, and sped downstream with the wind propelling the Deskside forward.

The tornado rose into the crack in the Blue Sky Vault with the turquoise figure at its center, moving with arms outstretched towards a coral head with golden horns. When the two figures met, Coach Bull pulled Coach Bear through the crack. The crack sealed up, and the winds subsided, which let the Deskside gently sail on toward the ocean.

When the Snoring Pink had returned to its calm demeanor, Chad was dangling his legs over the bow into the leisurely current that comfortably carried the Deskside along, “You really think this river leads to the ocean?”

Casey splashed water at Chad, “All rivers lead to an ocean, you idiot.” Just then, a spurt of water came up from the hull of the boat. “Uh, Chad what’s that behind you?”

“What’s what?” Chad turned around right into the stream of water squirting up from the deck, “Dude! Stop splashing me.”

“I’m not splashing you. There’s a leak.”

Chad followed the stream to its source, and plugged the hole with his index finger, “I got it” Several more streams shot up. “Dude! I said ‘stop splashing me!’”

“I’m not!” Casey threw themself onto the deck. “There’s more holes than we have fingers and toes to plug them up with!”

Water rained down onto Grandmother Coyote, “I thought you fixed the boat, Chad.”

“Because of your wind storm, I didn’t have time to finish, dude,” Chad replied.

“Casey, take the helm. I got to do something about this.” The Deskside had sunk to the point that Grandmother Coyote could only open one of the top drawers, “Ah ha! I hit the mother load!” Grandmother Coyote found several packs of different brands and flavors of gum. She shoved stick after stick into Chad and Casey’s mouths, “Chew! Chew! Chew!”

Casey grimaced, “Gross - I hate cinnamon gum.”

“I don’t care. Just chew!” Grandmother Coyote gnawed a wad of peppermint and watermelon gum. Grandmother Coyote turned to Casey, “Casey give me your wad.” Casey spit out the ball of cinnamon and tropical fruit gum. Grandmother Coyote then turned to Chad, “Chad, help me plug the holes.” Grandmother Coyote and Chad went down on hands and knees and pushed gum into every hole they could find.

Casey kept the rising boat steady, “Ick! That taste is still in my mouth.”

“Mine was just plain bubblegum.”

“Shut up, Chad!”

The crew pushed ahead toward the blue horizon of the ocean which could be seen over the debris that clogged the mouth of the river. Casey steered the Deskside onto a shoal near the dam of trash that blocked the estuary.

Grandmother Coyote smelled a sickeningly sweet scent in the air, “She’s nearby.”

Casey stepped ashore, “Who? Madam?”

“That's the smell of her perfume,” Grandmother Coyote pointed inland.

Chad took a sniff, “That smell makes me hungry, bro.”

“Chad, just finish the repairs. And this time, make sure not to miss anything because we need to be seaworthy. Casey, help Chad find whatever he needs while you unblock the river. We need to be able to sail out of here at a moment's notice.”

“Don’t leave me here alone with Chad.”

“You’ll be fine. I just have to say ‘hi’ to an old friend and I’ll be right back,” Grandmother Coyote said.

“I’d like to meet your friend,” Chad yelled as he pounded away underneath the desk. “It smells like they have something good to eat.”

“No!” Grandmother Coyote shouted. “Both of you have to stay here to fix the Deskside, and more importantly, your feeble minds would instantly be hypnotized by my friend’s beauty. Then you would do whatever she told you to do! And that's the worst thing that could happen because you’re supposed to do whatever I tell you to do, which is fix this desk by the time I get back!”

“What does your friend's looks have to do with me, bro?” Chad said waving his hand in front of his face.

“Do not follow me no matter what!” Grandmother Coyote calmed herself before saying, “Now, I’ll be back soon, and I’ll bring you whatever food I can find. Sound good? Great. Bye.”

Grandmother Coyote followed the perfume to a bustling town filled with emaciated people. The perfume wafted through open doors and windows and down boulevards and alleys lined with sculptures depicting Madam Cougar. Grandmother Coyote continued up a long row of steps that rose to ornate doors that were flung open, revealing interior walls adorned with murals of Madam Cougar lounging in lush gardens of the decadent temple.

Scraggly servants ran from chamber to chamber with platters of food and drink. Grandmother Coyote moved along the corridors of the temple until she entered a vast open room filled with bouquets.

“Hello Grandmother. I heard you were back,” Madam Cougar was draped over an ostentatious throne of gilded bones of all matter of creatures. She sipped from a gilded goblet made from a skull as her legs dangled over the armrest of the throne.

“I see you’re as modest as ever,” Grandmother Coyote ascended the steps to the throne, slipping under the spears of the two sentries that stood guard.

“Stand down. It’s no use with her,” Madam Cougar waved the guards away., “I know this is not a social visit. So, what can I help you with?”

Grandmother Coyote plucked the goblet from Madam Cougar’s paw and took a sip for herself, “Coach seems to think you would know how to get to a certain island.”

Madam Cougar pointed upward with a furrowed brow. “I thought he was stuck, you know, up there.”

“No, the other Coach. Well, they're both stuck up there now. It’s a long story. I’ll tell you later.”

“My goodness, Grandmother, you have always left mishaps in your path wherever you go. Nothing has changed.”

“Okay, okay, I don’t need to hear this old song and dance from you, Madam. Do you know where the island is or not?”

“I have lots of scrolls that tell how to get to lots of islands. You’ll need to be more specific, Grandmother.”

“You know what island I’m talking about, Madam. It’s the one that Consumer lives on: Pizza Cat Island.”

“Ah, yes. I know that one well, dear.”

“Well, lay it on me.”

Madam Cougar laughed, “No, no, no, sweet Grandmother. You know by now that information doesn’t come that easily here.”

“Oh, goddamn it! What is it with you guys? What stupid contest do I have to win this time?”

Madam Cougar brandished a mischievous smile, “It’s not a contest. It's a pageant!”

Grandmother Coyote sighed, covering her face with her hand, “What do I need to do, then?”

“Yay! This is going to be so much fun,” Madam Cougar slid off her throne and wrapped her arm around Grandmother Coyote's shoulder, “First is the talent portion. Of course, I’m going to perform my famous song. I have no clue what you’ll do, Grandmother. Next is the questionnaire. Don’t worry - there will only be one question. I’m sure you’ll be fine, Grandmother; You always seem to be able to bullshit your way out of everything. The final and most anticipated part is wardrobe, where we’ll show our curvy figures off in our tastiest onesies.”

Grandmother Coyote pried herself from Madam Cougar’s embrace, “And who do you propose will judge this pageant?”

“Hey, dudes!” Chad brazenly entered the chamber with an arm full of assorted snacks, “There’s some major grubbage at this sweet party.” He took a large bite of a fully loaded nacho, “I hope you don’t mind. I was hungry so I followed my nose, bros… Oh, that rhymed. Sick!”

“We do not mind at all, sweetheart,” Madam Cougar’s eyes sparkled. “Who is this delicious piece of meat that just walked in?”

“Who me? I’m Chad,” his mouth was full of pork sliders.

“It looks like we have the first judge. Unless you have any objections, Grandmother.”

“No! I think that, - Chad you said? - would be a great judge!”

“You know who I am,” Chad popped a cookie into his mouth.

“No, I don’t, you idiot.”

“Oh yeah! I don’t know this fugly, saggy gargoyle who smells like—”

“That’s enough. We get the point.” Grandmother Coyote snapped.

Madam Cougar silently slinked over to Chad who was digging into the dollop of queso, “My, my, you are a hungry boy - and handsome too. Let me get a peek of your lovely eyes under those sunglasses.”

“No way, bro! I look dope in these things.” Chad slapped Madam Cougar’s paw away.

Madam Cougar was impressed with Chad's confidence, “I’ll take that as a challenge for later. You just stay here and have your fill, but it’s only for you. Please don’t feed the servants. They’re on a strict diet. We don’t want them getting fat. Well, that’s one down, Grandmother. Let’s walk the street of Cougarphlattz in search of two more.” The two went into the town while Chad stayed behind to continue eating. Everywhere the two went, the thin townspeople stopped to admire Madam Cougar. “Pick whoever you’d like, Grandmother.” The whole marketplace in the town plaza was silently gawking at Madam Cougar.

A figure from the back of the crowd shoved their way to the front, pushing fanatic fans over in order to make room, “Chad! Chad! Where are you?! I found the stupid bolt you wanted!” Casey fell out of the crowd, faceplanting onto the cobblestone street, and dropping the large bolt that was in their hand. Casey looked up to see Madam Cougar standing in front of them, “Who are you?”

“You must be new to town. Welcome to Cougarphlattz. I’m Madam and this is Grandmother. And who are you?”

Casey never once glanced over at Grandmother Coyote, “I’m Casey.”

“Well, Casey, would you like to be a judge in our little beauty pageant?”

Casey was entranced, “Yes, please.”

“That’s a great idea,” Grandmother Coyote said. “Who will be the third judge then?”

“I have an idea,” Madam Cougar turned her smoky eyes on Grandmother Coyote. “What about the mayor of Cougarphlattz?”

“No way! She’s clearly on your side. She’s the damn mayor!”

Casey stood up, “If the mayor’s not going to be a judge, then neither am I.”

Grandmother Coyote shot Casey a furious look, “On second thought, the mayor would make a great judge.”

“It’s settled then. We’ll meet back here in the plaza square after we are all dolled up.” The crowd parted for Madam Cougar, and Casey following her, headed to the temple. The townspeople rushed off to prepare for the event of a lifetime.

Grandmother made her way back to the Deskside where she found Chad working on the desk with a stack of pizza boxes beside him, “What are you still doing here Chad?”

“I’m just finishing up, bro., And I have this fat stack of pizzas to keep me company. I’m just waiting on that loser Casey to bring me the last part I need.”

“You’re going to be waiting awhile because Casey has been hypnotized by Madam’s beauty.”

“That's sick!”

“No! It’s not sick, Chad because Casey is also one of the judges. So, I need you to make sure she votes for me since the third judge is the mayor of town.”

“Oh sweet!”

“No! It’s not sweet, because in order to win, you have to always give me a “10” and Madam a “zero” to balance out the Mayor’s vote, which means Casey is going to award the winning points.”

“That’s definitely not sick, dude.”

“I know. So that means you need to get back to the plaza and make sure Casey supports me.”

“Hell yeah, bro. Bring it in,” Chad held his hand out for a fist bump, but Grandmother Coyote just left him hanging. “Be that way, dude. I’ll get on top of it once I nosh all these zas.”

“GO NOW!” Grandmother Coyote picked up Chad and gave him a swift kick in the pants to send him on his way.

“Alright, dude. You don’t need to be like that.”

To finish her preparations, Grandmother Coyote found an Ikea curtain and a pizza print onesie in the debris Casey had failed to clear. Transforming into a supermodel, Grandmother Coyote strutted into town to find Chad and Casey arguing. “Dude! You need to get your priorities straight. We’re trying to get out of this place and you need to fall in line. Otherwise, we’re stuck here. When I play on the school football team, I’m not running touchdowns toward the other team’s endzone.” Chad jammed a stiff finger into the middle of Casey’s chest.

Casey slapped Chad’s hand away, “Madam is the greatest. I don’t understand why you can’t see that.”

“Oh, is that a blind joke?”

“Maybe it is, raisin eyes.”

Chad shoved Casey which sent Casey stumbling backwards. Casey landed on the bolt they had dropped earlier, causing Casey to fall and hit their head on the cobblestone street. Grandmother Coyote rushed over to the scene but Madam Cougar got there first. She said, “That’s enough judges! Save it for the pageant.” Madam Cougar helped Casey up, “Oh, It looks like Grandmother has arrived. Let’s head on over to the temple so the pageantries can begin.”

The fall caused Casey to see double, which weakened the charm Madam Cougar had over Casey. Chad helped Casey walk to the temple, “Remember whose team you're on.”

The townspeople packed both balconies of the temple’s auditorium. The music began, but was drowned out by the cheering crowd, when Madam Cougar stepped onto the stage. Grandmother Coyote walked onstage and the audience went silent. An edlerly man in a tuxedo joined the two contestants. “Creatures all, thank you for joining us on the second ever Qween Internet. We are joined by two former contestants: the previous winner of the Qween Internet pageant, Madam Cougar!” The crowd went wild. “And the runner-up of our last pageant, Grandmother Coyote.” A sea of hisses and boos washed over the stage.

When the jeering died down, the announcer launched into his rendition of the Qween Internet theme song.

“There she is, Qween Internet,

There she is, your ideal,

The dream of a million surfers who are more than pretty can come true,

in Cougarphlattz,

For she may turn out to be the Queen of felinemininity,

There she is, Qween Internet,

There she is, your ideal,

With so many beauties she took the town by storm,

With her all-Internet face and form,

And there she is,

Walking on web, she is,

Fairest of the fair, she is,

There she is - Qween Internet”

Another cheer went up from the crowd. “Now, for the first portion of the pageant. Each of our contestants will demonstrate a unique talent of theirs. Madam Cougar, if you will please start us off with your beautiful rendition of the famous sonata ‘Piano Cat?’” The announcer bowed, and with a wave of his hand, a piano was wheeled on stage. Madam Cougar stepped forward, threw her tail behind the bench, gave a wink to the audience, and began to pound out the plunky melody of ‘Piano Cat’ with splayed arms. Maintaining a smug expression, she smashed the keys up and down the keyboard, and finished with one final strike of the keys. The audience erupted in uproarious cheers and rose for a standing ovation.

The announcer returned to the stage, “Breathtaking, isn’t she, folks? Clearly, the crowd loved your performance, Madam Cougar. Let’s see if the judges feel the same. Judges?” The mayor of Cougarphlattz without hesitation, held up a card that read “10.” The townspeople showed their approval with thunderous applause. Casey had only seen a hazy mass on stage emitting a childish song. Casey was not overly impressed and decided to play it safe by awarding five points. Chad kicked Casey under the judges’ table, then boldly presented a “zero” with a flick of the wrist. Pandemonium ensued from the audience, insulted by any score less than ten for their beloved Madam Cougar.

The announcer waved his arms, “Folks, quiet down, please. Clearly, there is no accounting for taste. Please bear with me for our next contestant Grandmother Coyote who will be performing some sort of magic trick. Get on with it, please.”

In her hand, Grandmother Coyote gracefully spun the pink Ikea curtain, obscuring herself, then pulling it away to reveal the mayor. The crowd was confused, but the mayor gave a few meek claps, flattered to see herself on stage. Grandmother Coyote whirled the curtain again, transforming into the Smoked Chicken Fish and frightened the audience. Their screams turned into applause when they saw Grandmother Coyote's final form. In a flash of pink, Madam Cougar stood on stage again in all her beauty, soaking in the admiration from the audience. Grandmother Coyote returned to her true form by lifting the curtain above her head, letting it down to the ground. The cheering stopped, replaced by disapproving moans.

“Thank you Grandmother Coyote, for the interesting show of magic. Give her another round of applause,” the announcer said, encouraging the crowd. But The audience remained silent. “Well then let’s go to the judges.”

The mayor’s ego got the better of her and she shyly raised one point, which shocked the audience. Her decision would most likely reflect poorly in the upcoming elections. To Casey, the whole performance was merely a blur of pink. Unimpressed, Casey awarded three points for Grandmother Coyote’s magic show. Again, Chad kicked Casey under the table and dramatically flashed a “10.”

“Well folks, we have a real nail-biter so far. Let’s see if one of our contestants can stand out in the next portion of the pageant,” the announcer pulled several cards from his pocket and shuffled them around. “I will ask each contestant one question, and they will try to answer it to the best of their abilities. Since Madam Cougar went first last time, I will start with you, Grandmother Coyote. Are you prepared?” Grandmother Coyote gave a single nod. “Okay, here we go. Do you think the internet will lead to the end or the rise of nationalism?”

A distressed look came over Grandmother Coyote. With great hesitation she answered, “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future. For our children.”

The audience was flabbergasted by Grandmother Coyote’s answer. The announcer stood frozen on stage dumbfounded until he was able to collect himself, “Judges?”

The mayor was already holding a “zero.” Casey, knowing they would receive a kick from Chad, held up a “one” anyway. After kicking Casey, Chad unabashedly awarded ten points to Grandmother Coyote for her unintelligible speech, making the crowd wonder if Chad was deaf.

The announcer continued on with the next question, “Madam Cougar, it is said that the rise of the internet has made people feel both more connected and more isolated. What do you think is the solution?”

The audience awaited Madam Cougar’s answer with eager anticipation. She stepped to the edge of the stage, and with a honey-soak voice said, “I can haz cheezburger?” Wave after wave of applause broke out crashing into the front of the stage. Madam Cougar’s words had stuck at the very depths of everyone’s soul in the audience. There was not a single dry eye in the house.

The announcer, through choked emotion, eked out, “Judges?” The Mayor, with tears of joy proudly streaming down her face, awarded ten points. Casey could not help but be moved by the speech and mindlessly held up eight points before being jolted back to the task at hand by Chad’s customary kick. To the horror of the audience, Chad was unmoved, awarded zero points.

“Wow! This is really becoming a close one. That means it will all be decided during the last portion of the pageant. Fashion is a must for any Qween but also comfort. Prepare to be wowed by our contestants’ best onesies.” Stepping aside, the announcer waited for the curtains to part. “Madam Cougar, everyone.” She strode onto the stage, throwing her arms wide to present her blue Onesie patterned with cheeseburgers. eliciting “oohs” and “ahhs” from the audience. Madam Cougar walked across the stage several times, occasionally integrating a twirl or two to show off all sides of her cheeseburger onesie. She walked to center stage and struck a pose with her paw on her hip, “As always, Madam Cougar is the embodiment of grace and beauty. Let's see if the judges feel the same?” It was no surprise that the Mayor awarded ten points, but Casey, still recovering from their head trauma, did not understand what all the fuss with the blue blob moving around the stage was about. Casey dismissively awarded three points. Chad still kicked Casey for not awarding zero points and held up a “zero” himself. “C’mon! Are you serious?” The announcer shouted in the mic to which Chad replied with a smug smile and a nod.

“Folks, it all comes down to this,” the announcer said before taking a dramatic pause. “Let’s see what Grandmother Coyote has in store for us. Everyone, Grandmother Coyote.” The aroma of pizza wafted over the crowd from backstage. Grandmother Coyote emerged into the spotlight wearing a onesie made entirely of pizza slices. She was greeted with the sound of thousands of rumbling stomachs. The onesie was a work of art: each slice was perfectly puzzled together to fit Grandmother Coyote's slim figure. Every pepperoni and olive glistened in the spotlight as Grandmother Coyote took her place at the front of the stage to stunned silence. The announcer finally spoke, “That is a mouthwatering outfit, to say the least. Am I right folks?” There were a few temid claps. “Before we go to the judges, I want to remind tonight's audience that Grandmother Coyote needs 22 points from the judges to win. If there is a tie, then it is up to the audience to decide. How does that sound to you, folks?” The crowd was hesitant about this prospect. “Let’s go to the judges for the final score.” Despite the Mayor's infatuation with the pizza onesie, she feared the consequence of voting with her heart and, with downturned eyes, awarded zero points, “Oh, that means that Grandmother Coyote has no chance of winning now. I’m so sorry, Grandmother Coyote. You will be tonight's runner-up. But let’s at least see what the other judges have to say.” Casey held up ten points, covering their face in anticipation of a kick from Chad for the loss, but instead, they heard a loud gasp from the audience. “Folks, I may have spoken too soon. I’ve never seen this before. Our third judge has just awarded eleven points. I am not sure this is even allowed. We are checking the rulebook. Wait. What’s that? Folks, I'm being informed that there is no rulebook. The points awarded will stand and you, our audience, will decide who is Qween Internet!”

The Qween Internet theme began to play, signaling the announcer to request, “Can I please get our final contestants to the front of the stage?” Madam Cougar sprung from backstage to the front, hitting Grandmother Coyote with her tail as she passed. “With a round of applause, we will determine who is the winner of tonight’s Qween Internet. Silence from the audience, please.” A hush went over the crowd. “Let’s hear it for Madam Cougar!” The crowd cheered and whistled, creating a tsunami of sound. The announcer dropped his hand and the silence returned, “And now for Grandmother Coyote!” The crowd mustered an impressive cheer, but it was not equal to the previous pandemonium they had just displayed. Grandmother Coyote sensually unzipped her onesie, letting it drop to the floor, stepped to the side, picked it back up, and swung it around her head a few times before tossing it into the emaciated audience. The entire crowd descended onto the onesie all at once in hopes of getting one bite to relieve their starvation. The audience shouted and screamed at each other as they grabbed for a slice, tearing the onesie apart in the process. The temple began to shake from the ruckus. This caused the columns supporting the roof collapse. Everyone inside the temple was buried under debris.

In the chaos, Casey was knocked unconscious by a large chunk of the ceiling. When they awoke, Chad was pulling them from the rubble, and, before Casey was able to speak, Chad began slapping them in the face, “Wake up! Wake up! They’re about to announce the winner, bro.”

“Get off of me, you ass! I’m awake.”

“You know, you could be a little more grateful to me for saving your life, dude,” Chad dropped Casey back onto the rubble.

Audience members emerged from the rubble covered with a fine white dust. The stage was the only part of the temple left standing, now silhouetted by the noon day sky. The announcer and contestants stood on stage, bewildered at what had just happened. The announcer brought the microphone to his mouth and let out a cough, producing a dust cloud, “Folks, I am proud to announce the winner of tonight’s Qween Internet by popular vote. She quite literally brought the house down. Your next Qween: Grandmother Coyote!”

The injured crowd gave a polite round of applause and even a few cheers could be heard under the rubble, which might have been cries for help. The announcer hobbled over to Grandmother Coyote to place a bright yellow 8-bit tiara with embedded red and blue gemstones upon her head.

Grandmother Coyote turned to Madam Cougar, “Let’s go. I don’t have anymore time to waste.” Madam Cougar slunk over to the side of the stage and threw open a hatch in the floor. The two descended into the subterranean catacombs lined with shelves of scrolls.

Madam Cougar rummaged through the jumble of papers, “You're looking for Pizza Cat Island?”

“Yep, that’s what Coach said.”

“Which Coach? The one down here or the one up there?”

“Ah, well, the one that was down here but is now up there.”

“Here it is!” Madam Cougar pulled a parchment stained with grease and tomato sauce from a moldy stack of scrolls, “Heads up, Consumer doesn’t exactly live ON the island.”

Grandmother Coyote greedly snatched the scroll away and immediately unrolled it to scan the page, “This isn’t a map. This is just some weird poem about a guy stuck on an island. What gives?”

“There is no map. The only account of where the island is comes from this lost poet. Somewhere in that text is the path to Pizza Cat Island.”

“Thanks, you're a real big help.”

“That’s the best I can do. Now, let’s get out of this cold dank cellar so I can start rebuilding the temple you destroyed.”

“I didn’t destroy your stupid temple. Your ‘devoted followers did that.’” They climbed out of the musty archive and back onto the stage where Chad and Casey stood waiting. By this time Casey had mostly recovered from their multiple head wounds.

“Mmmm, you're still here, stud,” Mandam Cougar purred, skulking toward Chad. “Now, let me get a look at those mysterious eyes of yours.”

“NOOOO!” Grandmother Coyote tried to stop Madam Cougar. She swiped the sunglasses off Chad’s face, revealing his withered and blackened stocks. Madam Cougar’s fur stood on end, her ears flattened, and she snarled, “You’ll never change, Grandmother!”

Grandmother Coyote looked at Chad and Casey, “Run!”

Madam Cougar pounced onto Grandmother Coyote with claws drawn, knocking the tiaira to the floor. Madam Cougar slashed at Grandmother Coyote and tore her skin open. Casey dragged Chad by the hand back to the Deskside. Madam Cougar and Grandmother Coyote wrestled, hissing and barking as they writhed in a ball of claws and teeth across the wood planks of the stage and falling back into the open cellar door. The hatch slammed behind them with a bang. The commotion alerted the townspeople and when they arrived muffled screeching and yelping could still be heard from the closed cellar hatch until a loud crash was followed by silence.

After some time, the Mayor gathered enough courage to approach the hatch. It flew open, knocking the Mayor backwards in terror, but she was relieved to see the captivating face of Madam Cougar. “What are you all standing around for? Hurry to the river before they get away!” Madam Cougar commanded, then leapt over the Mayor, charging toward the Snoring Pink with an angry mob in tow.

Madam Cougar could see the Deskside entering the water, “We can cut them off at the mouth of the river.” Casey was speeding toward the damn when the mob reached the estuary. “They’re going to try and break through the dam. Quick! Get me an air pump and blow up that inflatable kiddie pool stuck in the middle of the damn to absorb their impact.” The townspeople combed the beach of trash, swiftly finding a bike pump. “Now, Mayor! Go on - blow it up!” Timidly, on hands and knees, the Mayor began to traverse the dam at a snail's pace. “Give me that thing. I’ll do it myself, you coward.” Madam Cougar snatched the pump from the Mayor and effortlessly darted across the debris to the tightly wedged kiddie pool. In a flash, she found the nozzle and began rapidly pumping the plunger. The pool grew and held fast among the densely packed debris. The Deskside side drew closer with every pump.

The Mayor watched from the safety of the shore, “Madam, if you keep pumping, that pool is going to pop.” A familiar roar could be heard over the chaos.

It was another Madam Cougar, but worse for wear with a black eye and matted fur, “Grandmother, you have deceived me for the last time.” The newly arrived Madam Cougar bolted across the dam toward the Madam Cougar still furiously pumping. The murderous beast and a speeding ship descended on the kiddie pool that was only a few pumps away from popping. The first to reach the pool was the beaten Madam Cougar. She swiped at the other Madam Cougar, who ducked just in time for the claws to slash clean through the side of the inflatable pool. The inflatable pool exploded, blowing a hole in the dam large enough for the Deskside to pass through and throwing the attacking Madam Cougar onto the beach. When she recovered, she looked up to see Grandmother Coyote high in the air falling toward the rushing water below that escaped into the sea along with the Deskside.

The townspeople gathered on the shore, along with the real Madam Cougar, to watch Grandmother Coyote land with an enormous splash. The Deskside blew right through the shower of water as it sped out to sea. A single drenched paw could be seen gripping the deck, and the toothy grin of Grandmother Coyote rose from the water onto the Deskside. The townspeople let out a cacophony of jeering. The tiny ship disappeared into the pure blue horizon of the ocean.

The sun shrank more the further the Deskside sailed out to sea until the sun was nothing but a tiny speck. It was the only star in the vast black curtain of the night sky, shining just off the starboard side. With the shore long behind them, the crew could finally relax on the calm waves of the ocean rather than being swept along by the temperamental waters of the Snoring Pink.

Casey sat at the helm, “Which way should we go?”

Grandmother Coyote unrolled the long scroll while reclining on the deck , “I’m not really sure. This text is cryptic.” She pressed her nose into the page while reading the strange poem.

Chad sat on the bow of the boat dragging his legs in the warm ocean waters, “Read it out loud, bro. I’m a puzzle, dude.”

Grandmother Coyote brought the scroll close to her amber eyes, “I don’t even know what that means, but here we go.”

Grandmother Coyote cleared her throat and began the incantations of the epic poem of Pizza Cat Island:

PLZ HELP ME!!! I just woke up on an unknown island. I don’t know how I got here. Can’t call or text. Only Twitter works on phone #plzfindme

Don’t know WHY but I can only follow islands, pizza, and cat-related accounts. #plzfindme @jamaica @PapaJohns @catsofinstagram R U near me?

It’s gorgeous here: white beaches and palm trees. But I’m still trapped on an uninhabited island #plzfindme @alcatrazIsland @pizzahut

It’s getting dark here. Does anyone know how to start a fire or how to find food? #plzfindme @lonelyislandnew @kupizzashuttle @OridtheCat

Sitting in the moonlight on the beach. Cold, starving, and now sleep deprived because this island isn’t uninhabited…It’s full of howling cats

I AM SAVED! I just heard hip hop blasting from the jungle. I’m going to explore. I’ll finally get away from these damn cats #wishmeluck

I can still see in the moonlight through the thickness of the jungle. It’s hard to follow the music because it’s so echoey among the trees

I can’t find where the music is coming from but I can smell pizza. Maybe I’m on @IslandSicily? J/K! I know Sicily doesn’t have jungles

I’ve been going around in circles for hours with the smell of pizza everywhere! @PizzaPizzaLtd everywhere but not a slice to eat #wishmeluck

Music stopped. Smell stopped. I’m giving up until morning. Sleeping where I drop. #plzfindme @EscapeAlcatraz @TombstonePizza #wishmeluck

Morning is back. Music is back. Meowing is back. Pizza is back. My optimism is back! Sorry for my negativity last night. Hunger is a batch!

The wild goose chase continues. I can hear @DojaCat “Mooo!” It’s actually growing on me. No closer though #wishmeluck

I’ve been out here all day and haven’t found anything and now it’s dusk. I don’t want to sleep in the jungle again! #plzhelpme @MyCicis

OMG! I can see lights through the trees and the music is getting louder and the pizza smells are getting stronger

Pic once I’m saved #wishmeluck

I’m never getting off this fucking island! #PizzaCatIsland

[pic]

Hey my dudes! Sorry for the delay since my last tweet. A lot has happened. It’s a heady

series of events. Safe and fed well! #blessed

To explain the weird pic more: I am living on #PizzaCatIsland. It is an island full of skateboarding pizza-eating cats. #Iknowitsoundsstrange

The cats have been taking care of me but it’s been isolating because they speak in a different language called #LOLCat #learningslowly

I’m getting the hang of #LOLCat. It’s basically bad English so not too much of a learning curve there but the hard part is their slang

The #LOLCat greeting is “I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER?” It’s most strange because they only serve pizza here. You would think that would get boring

No way dude! Eating pizza everyday here never gets monotonous because you can get whatever topping you want - even a cheeseburger pizza!

It’s rad how #LOLCats cook all the pizzas in a volcano on the edge of the island. It’s hands down the best pizza I’ve ever had #pizzalife

I’ve finally learned enough #LOLCat that I can translate what the cats are saying. The story is wild. You probably won’t believe me.

The biggest shocker is that cats don’t die. They return to #PizzaCatIsland where they stay up partying until they need to sleep again

When they need sleep they return to the human world which they call the #NapPreserve. Whoa! THAT’S WHY CATS SLEEP ALL THE TIME!

I have to hide when I want to sleep or when I want to tweet because #LOLCats don’t want humans to know about #PizzaCatIsland

The #LOLCats spend most of their time playing a skateboard basketball hybrid called #baseskateball. BODACIOUS!

#LOLCats play basketball while skateboarding on a vert ramp called a #gnarlysphere!

And points are awarded based on how sick the trick is while making a basket #gnarlysphere

To fit in on #PizzaCatIsland you have to be a part of a team. No one wanted me to join because I’m a human but #CrewSquadClique drafted me

They are a small team of misfits which is probably why they drafted me. The members are Buckley, Squid, Dads, The Admiral and NOW ME!

I’m not very good at skateboarding or basketball but I’m having fun learning. It's nice to have friends. I was tired of eating pizza alone

I’ve learned so much more about #PizzaCatIsland now that I’m on #CrewSquadClique like that there is a giant hole in the middle of the island

The #LOLCats throw all the leftover pizza and pizza boxes down the hole and it has never filled up since they first came to the island

#IWonderWhatsDownThere

I LERND 2 DROP INTO TEH #gnarlysphere!!!! I’m picking up #baskateball pretty quick since it's the only thing to do here other than eat pizza

I met the #purrsident today! It’s LIL BUBS!!!!! She’s famous and so down-to-earth. She ate pizza with me too. We had the pizza taco pizza

That’s a pizza with all the taco fixings on top and then folded over. But don’t call it a calzone. #LOLCats hate calzones. It’s “unnatural”

This day couldn’t get any crazier. #purrsident Bubs just announced the start of the #GnarlyGames! I’m not sure what that is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#CSC explained what the #GnarlyGames are. It’s a island-wide #Baskateball double-elimination tournament that only happens once in blue moon

I’m going to be the first human in the #GnarlyGames. I have a lot of practice ahead of me if I want to compete at the #LOLCats level

This practice schedule is killing me! It’s becoming harder to sneak off to sleep but I’ve never been more jacked in my life. Most excellent!

Cowabunga! I just landed a heelflip layup. I’m known for assisting and blocking because of my size. I can’t keep up with the #LOLCats

Dads & Buckley are most excellent. Since they’re both runts they are impossibly fast with major air. They have as much hang time as the ball

Squid is a sharpshooter with the three-pointers but her attitude is so bad that no other team will have her. She’s always pissed about something

The Admiral is the team leader. He’s the only one on the island that can keep this team under control. Oh! Also: he has a pegleg

The games start tomorrow - and there is going to be a huge party tonight with DJ Daniel the Cat kicking off the festivities! PARTY ON!

I’m so stoked to finally see DJ Daniel. All anyone is talking about is how most excellent he is. Gotta nap after practice and before I party

The #GnarlyParty is epic. Piano Cat just played a song with DJ Daniel. I’ve never eaten more pizza in my life. THARS EVEN ICE CREAM PIZZA!!!

I have such a bogus #bangover from dancing so hard. I’m glad we don’t play today. I’m so sick from eating too much pizza

I’m going to chillax and recover while watching the first game. #OutoftheBox vs. the best team on the island #TheRoodboiz

#TheRoodboiz are dominating. They’re already up by 20 as Snowball finishes the first quarter with a 360 dunk.

#TheRoodboiz have twice as many points as #OutoftheBox at the half.

#DJDanieltheCat plays every halftime show. He’s unstoppable slicing up beats like it’s pizza

#TheRoodboiz have twice as many points as #OutoftheBox at the half. #DJDanieltheCat plays every halftime show. He’s unstoppable slicing up beats like it’s pizza

What a blowout! #Roodboiz are the G.O.A.T. I hope we never have to play against them. I’m going to take it easy on the pizza tonight

I’m getting suited up for my first game. #Wishmeluck #CrewSquadClique vs. #KittenAround

WE WON!!!!! But I’m sooooo tired. I’m going to sneak off to nap. The highlight was Dads’ fakie kickflip fadeaway

The #LOLCats party throughout the night. I can’t keep up but it makes it easy to sneak away to sleep. It’s the only way I’ll survive

#CSC has two matches today. First one is against #Sourpuss. I’m a little put off by the name but I feel more confident than before

That was a gnarly game but we came out on top because of Buckley’s pop shuvit wraparound. Who’s next!? Cowabunga!

NOWAI. WE PULAY #TheRoodboiz NEXT!!!!!!! And it’s a night game by torch light. #prayforme This is bogus. I’m taking a #bignap first

The whole #PizzaCatIsland is here to watch! Why!? This is going to be so humiliating

#CSC can barely keep up with #TheRoodBoiz in the first quarter. Squid’s fingerflip finger roll was answered by Garfield’s lateflip hook shot

The second half was no better. The Admiral’s nollie drop step was overshadowed by Sylvester’s frontflip up and under.

#DJDaniel’s halftime show

I put up an eggplant dunk, but what was the point when Scatchy landed a 720 bank shot? One more quarter to turn this around

NOWAI! Buckley’s Christ Air alley-oop to Dads for a McTwist tomahawk was blocked by Felix. He then stole the ball to win with a 900 windmill

#loserbracket I’M GOIN 2 DROWN MYSELF IN PIZZA!!!!! :(

I’m regretting dancing late into the night with a belly full of pizza. I can’t move right now. My island for a #Tums.

#CrewSquadClique morale rn = 0%

Sorry for being a downer. The Admiral gave an inspiring speech, so #CrewSquadClique is back #MightyDucksstyle

Our next match is against #ClawsomePawjamas #loserbracketlife

Awesome win by #CrewSquadClique. Dads showing off with a frontflip elbow hang. #loserbracketlife

I had to duck out of the #DJDanieltheCat concert tonight. I need sleep. #baskateball and #pizzaonlydiet is the cure for insomnia

Today we’re up against #YouWantAPizzaMe. #LOLCats are very creative with their team names. #loserbracketlife

Most excellent! Another win for #CrewSquadClique. Buckley clinched the win with a helipop baseline dunk #loserbracketlife

I CANT BLEEV IT!!!!! #CrewSquadClique is in the finals!!!!! #loserbracketlife #MightyDucksstyle This calls for a #celebratorynap

I can’t stand waiting for the results of #TheRoodBoiz vs. #ThunderCats to see who #CrewSquadClique is up against in the finals

#TheRoodBoiz won with an insane between-the-legs varial by Felix!!!! #rematch #CrewSquadClique #greatestcomebackever

Late night practice with #CrewSquadClique. No dance party with #DJDanieltheCat. I’m too nervous for pizza. Going to nap instead

TODAI IZ TEH DAI!!!!! The crowd is HUGE. The entire #PizzaCatIsland is here for the big games #TheRoodBoiz vs #CrewSquadClique

This first quarter went better than last time but #CrewSquadClique is still behind even after The Admiral’s tailgate over the head

#TheRoodBoiz are clearly the fan favorite. The cheering was deafening after Scratchy's barrel-roll dunk

#CrewSquadClique is up by one after my cannonball finger roll right at the buzzer but don’t know if we can keep the lead in the second half

#CrewSquadClique can’t take many more of Garfield’s signature sack tap free-throw line dunk. It’s #gravitydefying and demoralizing

#CrewSquadClique is down a few points in the third quarter after Sylvester’s devastating wall ride hook shot. There’s still a chance!

But Squid’s Madonna tip-in kept #TheRoodBoiz backs against the wall. Last quarter is going to be the #greatestcomebackever

Final time out. #CrewSquadClique has possession and only needs one more basket to win with 15 seconds on the clock #greatestcomebackever

Snowball’s airwalk fadeaway for #TheRoodBoiz will be answered with something big by #CrewSquadClique #greatestcomebackever

#PizzaCatIsland is experiencing a mass riot due to the results of the game. More later when I can find a hiding place #chaoticpizzatimes

Okay, so here’s the skinny. I’m hiding out in #PizzaCave at the base of #HotPepsVolcano where the pizzas are made. IZ LIEK SAUNA IN HER!!!!

In the final game against the #TheRoodBoiz. Buckley and Dads scored with a Christ Air alley-oop to a McTwist tomahawk

I stopped Felix from blocking the shot but there was still time for Felix to score with his 900 windmill. This left #CSC down one point

With a second left on the shot clock I shot an across the ramp Hail Mary. There was complete silence as the ball flew through the air

Just as the ball was going to go into the basket, it was blocked by a flying pizza slice that Felix had thrown! MOST HEINOUS!

There is no rule about blocking a shot with slices, so the #LOLCats went to #LilBubs to make a ruling

But she had suddenly and unexpectedly returned to #TheNapPreserve before making a ruling. This left a power vacuum on #PizzaCatIsland

Now there are two factions on #PizzaCatIsland. Those that say #TheRoodBoiz won and the few that say #CrewSquadClique won #uncivilisland

#TheRoodBoiz supporters are led by #ChaircatMeow who has taken control of the island and has stopped all pizza production #uncivilisland

#PizzaCatIsland may starve because #ChaircatMeow has control of the pizza ingredients but the #CSC supporters have control of the ovens

I’ve been put in charge of #PizzaCave because I’m not afraid of water. The #LOLCats are in a water fight with #SuperSoakers #WaterWar

I’m armed with a hose : ( Which is really “powerful” but is not nearly as cool as having a #SuperSoaker #WaterWar #uncivilisland #basichose

BREAKIN NEWS: #DJDanieltheCat has come out in support of #CrewSquadClique in the #FlyingSliceIncident

Something big is happening in the jungle tonight. #DJDanieltheCat is playing music late into the night. It warms my heart to hear it

MOAR BREAKIN NEWS: #DJDanieltheCat has accepted leadership over the #CrewSquadClique supporters #WaterWar #uncivilisland

#LOLCats across the island are flocking to #CrewSquadClique side, and there is a meeting set between #DJDanieltheCat and #ChaircatMeow

It’s been decided that #TheRoodBoiz camp will share ingredients to start making pizza again but only cheese pizza #basichose #WaterWar

In exchange #CSC will cook the pizza but I am to become the #MasterBaker because I’m seen as the most neutral party because I’m not a #LOLCat

I know nothing about baking pizza let alone cooking #fakeituntilyoumakeit

#FML first day on the job and I burned every pizza I made. I’m scared that #TheRoodBoiz will think I’m breaking the treaty #PizzaCave

I don’t understand how the #LOLCats cooked pizza in an oven heated by #HotPepsVolcano IZ 2 DAMN HAWT!!!!! #fakeitintilyoumakeit #PizzaCave

#CrewSquadClique supporters are about to kill me too. The only thing #LOLCats can agree on is that starvation was better than my burnt pizza

I’m starting to get the hang of cooking pizza. They are not great but they are edible #cheesestillburnt #fakeituntilyoumakeit

The #WaterWar goes on. Meaning, there is a lot of #wetpussy on #PizzaCatIsland

I’M SRY 4 DAT DAD JOKE. Most odious. I’m losing my marbles slaving over the #HotPepsVolcano oven all day. MAH ONLY BREAK IZ NAPPIN

SRY IZ BEEN SO LONG SINCE MAH LAST TWEET. I HAD 2 SOLELY CONSENTRATE ON PIZZA MAKIN. #LOLCats WUZ GOIN 2 THROW ME IN DA OCEAN

I DON’T MEEN 2 BRAG. I DON’T MEEN 2 BOAST, BUT TEH #LOLCats FINKZ MAH PIZZAS R TEH MOST. #fakeituntilyoumakeit AN I’VE MADE IT

ALL DAT TIEM CONSENTRATIN ON BAKIN PIZZAS PAID OFF. TEH #LOLCats HAS DECLARD ME TEH GREATEST #MasterBaker IN DA HISTORY OV TEH ISLAND

#LOLCats R THROWIN ME CELEBRASHUN. I FINALLY GIT BREAK FRUM TEH CONSTANT GRIND OV MAKIN PIZZAS #pizzaGOAT #PizzaCatIsland

EVEN MOAR BREAKIN NEWS: MAH PARTY IZ ALSO 2 BE TEH PEACE TREATY SIGNIN HANDIN POWR OVAR 2 #DJDanieltheCat TIL NEXT ELECSHUN

TURNS OUT #ChaircatMeow HAS RETURND 2 TEH #NapPreserve ENDIN TEH #WaterWar THAR WILL FINALLY BE PEACE ON #PizzaCatIsland #partyon

#DJDanieltheCat HAS DECLARED THAT #TheRoodBoiz’s BLOCKING THE FINAL SHOT WITH A PIZZA SLICE IS ALLOWED #pizzablocking

BUT #CrewSquadClique R TEH WINNERS CUZ TEH BALL WUZ ON DOWNWARD ARCH SO #DJDanieltheCat RULD TEH PIZZA BLOCK WUZ GOALTENDIN

I’VE MADE EVRY KIND OV PIZZA IMAGINABLE 4 DIS #peaceparty. I’M STOKD 2 MAK SOMETHIN OTHR THAN #cheesepizza. I GIT APPRENTICEZ 2

I’M HEADD 2 TEH #peaceparty ON #PizzaCatIsland WIF HUNGRY TUMMY AN MAH DANCIN SHOEZ ON 4 #DJDanieltheCat #nothingcangowrong

#FML I’M ADRIFT AT SEA ALONE IN RICKETY BOAT. TEH #peaceparty WUZ DISASTR. I DON’T KNOE WUT 2 DO. NED HALP @GovIslandNPS @Catsmovie

TEH PARTY WUZ RAGIN BUT HOOJ EARTHQUAEK STOPPD EVRYTHIN. TEH NITE WENT SILENT TIL #HotPepsVolcano ERUPTD CAUSIN WIDESPREAD PANIC!

TEH #LOLCats BLAMD ME 4 MAKIN #HotPepsVolcano ANGERY. #DJDanieltheCat ORDERD #CrewSquadClique HALP ME ESCAPE FRUM #PizzaCatIsland

#CrewSquadClique PUT ME IN HIDDEN BOAT DAT THEY SED I ARRIVD IN 2 #PizzaCatIsland BEFORE I CUD SAY KTHXBAI THEY SHOVD ME OUT 2 SEA

TEH LAST TING #CrewSqaudClique TOLD ME WUZ 2 FOLLOW TEH LONE STAR IN DA NITE SKY TIL I FIND LAND. HALP @USVirginIslands @Dominos

PLZ HALP FIND ME @JapanGov @PizzaHut @MeowFoundation

I’VE BEEN ROWIN TOWARD DIS LONE STAR 4 DAIS. MAH FONE IZ BOUT 2 DYE. DIS WILL BE MAH LAST TWEET. I‘M HEADIN BAK 2 #PizzaCatIsland

“What?!” Grandmother Coyote slammed the scroll onto the deck. “After all that. There was nothing about how to get to Pizza Cat Island.”

“Let me see,” Casey snatched the scroll up, reading over the words again desperately looking for a hidden code that would reveal the way to Pizza Cat Island. “There’s nothing in here. Madam tricked us! We're going to die out here like this loser.”

“Yo, dudes. Chill,” Chad laid back. “Is there still just one star in the sky?”

“Yeah, so what?” said Grandmother Coyote

“Duh! We have to go the opposite way of the star,” Chad pointed randomly out to sea.

“That will lead us back to land where Madam is waiting for us with a murderous mob that wants to tear us apart.”

“Nah, brah. That dude had to head toward the star to leave the island. So, that means that we have to head away from the star to reach the island.”

Too tired and exhausted to argue, Casey took hold of the rutter and steered the Deskside away from the lone star, leading the crew into the pitch blackness of the night sky.

The Deskside sailed through the endless night, and into the dark web with the lone star at their backs as their only guide. Chad and Casey were asleep when Grandmother Coyote first saw the thin pink strip of the horizon cut across the black void. Grandmother Coyote kicked the others, “Get up! There's something ahead.”

Chad returned to his position as the figurehead, “Yo! What’s out there, bro?”

“It’s a pink horizon,” Casey stepped up behind Chad. “It’s growing larger. Now there are oranges and even blues!” Casey put their hands on Chad’s shoulders. “I can see the water. It’s a clear blue like Glacier Freeze Gatorade and the sky is the same color now.” Casey tightened their grip on Chad’s shoulders, “There’s an island way off in the distance, and it has a smoking volcano. This is it! It’s Pizza Cat Island! We’re saved! We’re about to go home!” Casey was unable to control their excitement, pulled Chad to his feet, and tightly embraced him. “You found it, Chad! You found it!” The two laughed as they jumped up and down on the deck in a circle, oblivious to the world around them.

“Cut it out, you two lovebirds,” Grandmother called out from the stern. “There is still the business of getting the KAG Gun away from Consumer and then shooting him with it. So don’t celebrate yet.”

Chad and Casey paid no attention to Grandmother Coyote and continued to bound across the deck.

Casey briefly glanced up from the jubilation to have another look at Pizza Cat Island and noticed a large pink bubble growing from the center of the deck, “Wait, Chad. What’s that behind you?”

“What’s what?” Chad said pointlessly looking around. In their hurry to escape from Cougarphlattz, the last bubblegum patch had been neglected to be reinforced. Chad turned around, running smack dab into the engorged bubble. It burst, dumping ocean water onto the deck of the Deskside.

Casey shoved Chad away from them, “Damn it, Chad! You can’t do anything right! All you had to do was fix one little leak!”

Chad shoved Casey back, “You were supposed to get the last bolt I needed, but instead, you fell in love with Ms. Fugly. So don’t blame me.”

The water continued to spray into the air, raining down onto the arguing crew. Before the leak could be fixed, the Deskide submerged.

“Take a deep breath!” Grandmother Coyote shouted before the ship sank. It was beautiful under the waves. They could see the ocean floor through the crystal clear waters off of Pizza Cat Island. An underwater current carried the ship toward a cave at the base of the island. Chad, unaware of the cave, began to swim back to the surface of the water. Grandmother Coyote drew Casey’s attention to the cave. Casey grabbed a hold of Chad's leg, dragging him along, and preventing him from swimming away.

The Deskside entered the large cave. The tropical sunlight faded the deeper they went. Grandmother Coyote found a waterproof flashlight in the drawers and turned on the flashlight to find that the cave floor was steadily rising. Running out of air, Grandmother Coyote pulled Casey, with Chad in hand, to the back of the boat, placing all the weight in the stern and forcing the bow upward.

When the crew's heads emerged from the dark waters, Chad gasped for air, “What the hell, Casey? I almost drowned, bro!” Grandmother Coyote shushed him. “Don’t shush me! Ouch!” Chad hit his head on the cave ceiling.

“Quiet,” Grandmother Coyote raised the flashlight above the water. “We’re in a cave, and whatever is up ahead can hear everything you’re saying.”

“How can you even see in the dark?”

“Thanks to Casey’s years of hoarding, there is, for some reason, a waterproof flashlight in the desk drawer.”

“Who thought the little turd could be useful for something,” Chad said.

Casey dunked Chad’s head underwater. When he popped back up he hit his head on the cave ceiling again.

“I don’t know how much longer the batteries will last, but we need to find land soon,” Grandmother Coyote said as she shined that light around the cave tunnel. The cave opened up, revealing a subterranean shoreline. The current silently carried the Deskside to the beach. “You two pull the desk ashore and be quiet about it. We don’t know what’s up ahead, but I think it’s what we came here for.” Grandmother Coyote shone the light onto the rocky beach to find a labyrinth of caves offering a plethora of potential dead ends and wrong ways.

Casey walked up the beach, “Which way should we go?”

Chad strolled past, sniffing the air, “Do you smell that?”

Grandmother Coyote used her powerful nose to sniff the air, “Yeah, but what is it?”

“Pizza! We must be near the surface where all that good za is, dude. Let’s go. I’m starving.” Chad charged forward into a seemingly random cave entrance before Grandmother Coyote could stop him.

“I guess we have to follow him.”

Casey gave Grandmother Coyote a skeptical look, “Do we really, though?”

“Even if we don’t care about his safety, he is following the smell. So…let’s go.” Grandmother Coyote followed Chad with the flashlight in hand.

Casey hesitated to follow the pinhole of light further up the winding passageway, leaving them in the dark of the damp vestibule, “Wait up!”

The light flickered and went out forcing Casey to hug the cave walls. They crept along, feeling the soft dirt full of small creatures underfoot. Their dawdling had caused them to be left behind. Casey began to panic as thoughts about being stuck in the dark alone forever overwhelmed them. In tears, Casey slumped to the floor of the cave, letting the darkness consume them. They thought about how they would never get home and never see their family again. Then they realized that they had never made any friends nor made time for their family. Instead, Casey had spent all of their time on the internet in competition with Chad over useless trinkets that Casey hid away in their desk drawers. Casey sobbed loudly, each cry echoing off the moist walls and vanishing into the void that stretched out before and behind them.

A whiny nasal voice echoed back, “Who the heck are you?”

“I’m Chad. Where’s the za, bro?”

Wiping their eyes with mud-covered hands, Casey lifted themself to their feet and stumbled through the dark toward the voices. Casey’s eyes adjusted to the light that began to illuminate the shiny cave walls. Casey hurried to the cave exit, bumping into something furry.

“Shhh, be quiet,” Grandmother Coyote held Casey back with an outstretched arm. “Have you been crying?”

“No, my eyes are just having a hard time adjusting to the light.”

“That’s him: Consumer,” Grandmother Coyote pointed up to the large silhouette that stood over Chad. The clear blue sky of Pizza Cat Island could be seen through a hole in the cave ceiling, lighting the vast chamber where the two figures stood in a well of light. The well of light cascaded down while pink animated corpses, that were once the Chad and Casey neighbors, skulked in the shadows.

Chad innocently approached the towering figure of Consumer Frog with an outstretched hand, “Come on, bro! Pass a slice on over.”

Consumer Frog let out a breathy snicker, “You want pizza, huh? I’ll get you more pizza than you can eat.”

“Hell yeah, bro. Let's do it.”

Consumer Frog raised a webbed foot and then slammed it down. The cave violently shook, knocking over the juice-soaked zombies. A shower of pizza rained down from the hole above.

Chad could hear the slices splashing around him on the wet cave floor. He was soon covered with slices. Excited, Chad pulled off a slice that covered his face and began eating it, “Gross, dude! This pizza is old and stale, bro. Most of it is half-eaten. What’s the deal?”

Consumer Frog picked up Chad by the back of his tank top and brought him close to his face, “Oh, poor baby doesn’t like his meal. Maybe I’ll make a meal out of you.” Consumer Frog opened his massive mouth wide, holding Chad above his cavernous maw.

A voice called out from the dark, “That’s enough, Consumer. Put him down.”

Consumer Frog lowered his gaze to see his arch-nemesis Grandmother Coyote standing before him. “Grandmother, I thought that you were too frightened to ever come here.”

“Frightened? You’re the one in hiding Consumer. I had a hell of a time finding you.”

“That’s not the point! It was you who forced me into exile after you killed all of my friends.” Forgetting that Chad was still in his hands, Consumer Frog expressively waved his arms.

“You wouldn’t listen to reason, so I had to kill all of you. And if I still had the KAG Gun, I’d shoot you dead on the spot,” Grandmother Coyote made a gun gesture at Consumer Frog.

“You’ll never get your hands on the KAG Gun now since it’s safely inside my belly,” Consumer Frog snickered, patting his bloated stomach. “Since you took my friends from me, I will return the favor.” Consumer Frog dropped Chad into his mouth swallowing Chad whole.

“I don’t really care for Chad. So you did me a favor by getting rid of him. You also did me another favor, because now that Chad’s inside you, he can find the gun and shoot his way out,” Grandmother Coyote gave a little wink.

“It doesn’t matter. He’ll never find it in the dark.”

“He’s blind, you idiot. Didn’t you see that? He’s got a lot of experience finding his way around in the dark.”

“I'll drown him by drinking ocean water.”

Casey ran out from the dark. “No! Don’t! All we want is to bring everyone back to our hometown alive,” Casey gestured to the zombies. “If you can do that for us, we’ll never bother you again.”

“So, you have another friend, Grandmother,” Consumer Frog shot out his sticky tongue, grabbing Casey, and launching them back into his stomach to join Chad. “I thought these rotting creatures were nothing but a nuisance when the ocean currents washed them up into my cave, but it looks like they’re all your friends.” One by one, Consumer lapped up the pink zombies that meandered beneath him. “Now you’re all alone in the world without a friend, just like me.”

“You are mistaken, Consumer. All I care about is killing you. And you dare not eat me, because no matter how long it takes inside the abyss of your stomach, I’ll find that KAG Gun, and that will spell the end of you. But I’m sure Chad or Casey will do it for me.”

“I’ll drown them all!” Consumer Frog charged toward the labyrinth, but when he reached the cave exit, he realized he was too large to escape his self-made prison. “It doesn’t matter! I’ll eat my way out and revenge my friend who you unjustly took from me.”

“You and your friends were going to devour both worlds,” Grandmother Coyote reminded Consumer, “but now you alone are no threat. That’s why you’ve been hiding here: because you were the weakest of all of them.”

“No! I’ll show you. I’ll chew right through these walls and then I’ll gobble up everything in my path. I’ll eat both of your beloved worlds and you’ll have nothing just like me.”

“Consumer, you’re so full right now from eating all those wretched people that you couldn’t even drink the contents of this can.” Grandmother Coyote held up the Texsun grapefruit juice can, pulling the tape from the teardrop-shaped opening.

Consumer Frog’s eyes filled with rage at Grandmother Coyote’s insolence. He snatched up the tiny can and tried to drain the content into the chasm of his throat, but instead, an endless river of grapefruit juice poured down into his gut. His sides ballooned, pinning Grandmother Coyote to the cave walls. Stretch marks began to form along Consumer Frog’s midriff. Individual zombies could be seen swirling around in the juice through Consumer’s thin, stretched skin.

Despite his new girth, Consumer Frog continued to drink from the Texsun can, determined to prove Grandmother Coyote wrong. The walls of the cave gave way under the weight of his gut, providing more room for his sides to expand. A new chamber had opened up that was directly under Hot Peps Volcano. The heat emanating from the new chamber was so intense that the juice inside Consumer Frog began to boil, turning him into a pressure cooker. By that time, Consumer Frog had grown so large that his head and one thin arm stuck out of the hole in the middle of Pizza Cat Island. LOL Cats ran past the bloated creature as palm trees toppled over and vert ramps crumbled to the ground.

The LOL Cats escaped from the rumbling island by paddling out on unused surfboards. When all the LOL Cats were far out to sea, Pizza Cat Island was a blister on the surface of the water, bulging from the pressure below. Atop the swollen island was Consumer Frog’s fat head. Consumer Frog stubbornly continued to guzzle grapefruit juice from his thin arm while Hot Peps Volcano spewed smoke.

The armada of LOL Cats heard a deafening boom that sent a shockwave across the still ocean waters, followed by a massive wave. The LOL Cats prepared themselves for the tsunami, turning their surfboards toward the towering wave smoothly riding over the crest. At the top, they could see an eruption of pink grapefruit juice exploding from the island into the void of the distant night sky.

When the tsunami had passed, the LOL Cats returned to the deflated Pizza Cat Island to find that the center of the island where the bottomless pit once stood had sunk. The heat of the lava had turned the sand into a shiny, smooth, black glass that formed a perfect bowl. The LOL Cats cheered, wasting no time to drop into their new skate park. Thousands of LOL Cats dodged each other, pulling out their sickest tricks as they flew over the lip of the obsidian bowl in the midday island sun.

* * *

Casey awoke drenched in thick, sticky juice on a hot asphalt street in their hometown. They walked in the direction of their home past rows of familiar ranch-style houses, each one tanner than the last. Their favorite 7-Eleven was nearby, and finding the midday heat unbearable on their journey home, they decided to stop by that 7-Eleven since it was on the way.

Seeing the 7-Eleven, Casey thought about their time lost in the dark of the labyrinth and how lonely they felt in that moment. Casey decided to change their social life for the better. They are going to ask that nice purple-haired girl at the counter what her name is and if there are any cool concerts going on tonight. Surely, she would know since she is always wearing band T-shirts.

Casey took a pause before entering the 7-Eleven. This was the beginning of a new life: one with close friends and quality family time. They took their first step toward this new life onto the oversized black rubber mat. The automatic door swung inward, releasing a wave of cold air that slammed into Casey. Sure enough, the purpled-haired girl was at the counter with her head buried in an issue of People Magazine. Casey took their time strolling through the aisles before walking to the freezer in the back. Even after everything Casey had been through, they still had a taste for Texsun grapefruit juice.

Through the foggy glass, Grandmother Coyote lounged on a pile of icey cans. She gave a wink while holding up a six-pack. Casey cautiously opened the glass freezer door, “Can I have the cans when you’re done with them?” Grandmother Coyote handed the six-pack to Casey.

“What are you still doing here?” Casey accepted the six-pack.

“I thought I would beat the heat in my usual place,” Grandmother Coyote stepped out of the freezer. “What are we up to today?”

“WE are not up to anything. WE are done with each other. Transaction: over.” Casey started walking to the front counter more determined than ever to talk to the purple-haired girl. Grandmother Coyote followed close behind. Casey tried to ignore her in order to stick to the plan: first, ask the clerk her name; then, ask about the concerts. Casey smelled a foul odor as they approached the counter. They were going to ignore the smell since everyone in town had been away for a while and the usual cleaning routine must have been overlooked.

“How are you today?” Casey asked in their friendliest voice placing the six-pack onto the counter. “By the way, I come in here quite frequently and I’ve been meaning to ask…” The purple-hair woman lifted her head from the pages of her magazine, revealing her face covered pink-stained rotting flesh.

“Go on, darling. You were saying?” The purple-haired girl’s lips cracked stiff with rigor mortis. Casey panicked, rushing out of the automatic doors into the heat of the summer day, leaving the six-pack on the counter with the articulate zombie. “Where are you going, darling? Did I say something? Do you still want the juice?”

Casey was in such a state of shock they could not answer. Grandmother Coyote was swiftly at their side, “Can you see the problem? We brought everyone back just the way they were, and they're going to keep rotting until they’re just piles of mush.” Casey looked up from their stupor to see zombies mowing their lawns, drinking Budweiser, barbecuing on their front lawn, and even splashing around in kiddie pools full of pink-tinted water. “The only reason they’re not worse off is they’re being preserved by the citric acid of the juice. If you want to reverse all of this, we need to go back to your home and order another fart bag.”

Casey was trembling, “I don’t know if there are any more.”

“Let's go find out.”

The front door was wide open when the two reached Casey’s house. They flung the screen door open, letting it slam behind them. “Casey is that you?” A voice called out from the other room.

“Yeah, Mom. I have to work on something in my room,” Casey dragged Grandmother Coyote upstairs to their room before their parents could see them.

“What have you been up to today?” Casey’s father called out after them, but it was too late. Casey had already shut their bedroom door.

The thick curtains were drawn closed, darkening the room. Casey’s computer was on the floor already plugged in. “That’s odd.”

“Nevermind,” Grandmother Coyote hurried Casey. “Log on and see if we can get another one of those magic genie farts.”

Casey lied flat on their stomach to type on the keyboard. eBay was already pulled up on Internet Explorer. Casey logged in and looked up the item listings of JanetTour_146, “The only listings are for lewd trucker hats and semi-rare baseball cards. There are no more magic genie farts.”

Grandmother Coyote laid down next to Casey, “Send her a message and ask if they have anymore we can buy.” The screen illuminated their faces with a pale artificial light in the darkened room.

CitrisLvr4Lyf: Do you have any more of those magic genie farts?

JanetTour_146: No, ebay banned us from selling any “offensive items”

CitrisLvr4Lyf: Is there any way I can buy one off of eBay?

JanetTour_146: I don’t do side deals. I’ve been burned before

CitrisLvr4Lyf: We’re desperate. We need to reverse some terrible stuff

JanetTour_146: Damn! You got monkey pawed didn’t you?

CitrisLvr4Lyf: Sure, but we could really use your help

JanetTour_146: Okay email me at JanetTour_146@Yahoo.com but just to warn

you it could take me months to catch one of Greg’s blasters

CitrisLvr4Lyf: We don’t have months!

JanetTour_146: Sorry that’s the best I can do

Casey turned to Grandmother Coyote “What are we going to do?”

“We have everything we need.” Grandmother Coyote pulled the keyboard in front of her. “I can spear phish her with a link for a free TV as soon as they click the link we can travel through the internet to her location.”

“You're going to take me with you,” Chad emerged from behind the bedroom curtains into the dull light of the computer monitor. “I found your computer still lying in the street. I was like, ‘Bro, I’ll set up Casey’s computer and then wait for that loser to log in.’ I knew you two would be up to something without me. I’m coming with you losers. I was supposed to get my eyes back, but I still have these gnarly things. You're going to help me fix it. It’s your fault this happened to me in the first place.”

“Fine. I don’t have time to argue with you,” Grandmother Coyote pulled Chad to the floor. “We started this whole thing together. We’ll end it together.” Grandmother Coyote then hit “send” on Casey’s email. In a flash of white light, the trio found themselves on a deep red shag carpet surrounded by wood-paneling walls.

“How the hell did y'all get here?” A frumpy middle-aged woman wearing a plaid shirt and a trucker hat that read “Cooter Liquor” stood in front of them. “I thought I was goin´ get a free TV,” She said with a twangy voice

“I’m sorry, Janet,” Casey said to the frumpy woman. “I’m Citrus Lover. We couldn’t wait. We have to reverse what we did ASAP.”

“Yeah! And I want my eyes back, dude!” Chad faced one of the wood panel walls.

Janet pulled a plastic bag out of a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, “Greg, can you squeeze one out for these guys so they’ll get the hell out of our house?” On the couch sat a blue man looking very confused about what was going on. His blue gut stuck out of his NASCAR tank top hanging over a cone of smoke where his legs should be.

Greg looked up at the three intruders focusing his attention on Grandmother Coyote, “Professor? Is that you? I thought I’d never see you again. What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to use my last wish,” Grandmother Coyote moved closer to Greg.

Chad turned to face the sound of Grandmother Coyote’s voice, “Not before I sniff one of those fart wishes to get my eyes back.”

“Chad’s right, Grandmother.” Casey slapped their forehead, “I can’t believe I just said that. Listen Grandmother, there are enough wishes to go around. We can all wish for what we want. If you use your last wish, the well of endless wishes may dry up.”

“All those endless wishes are cursed.” Grandmother Coyote pointed to Janet, “Ask her about the nickels.”

“Oh God, 'em nickels ain’t nothing but trouble,” Janet said with an exacerbated breath. “You ever try to pay for anything with just nickels? People’ll run you out the store. You can’t put'em in a bank. It’s too suspicious. What am I going to tell'em? That my roommate farts out nickels? Now our backyard is full of nickels and we can’t even sell'em for scrap metal because it’s illegal to destroy money. Still, every morning there’s a pile of nickels next to this bozo's bed,” Janet gestured to Greg. “I should have known better. It says right in the letter that the lamp is cursed.”

“But how did the fart wishes become cursed?” Casey wondered.

Grandmother Coyote scoffed, “I used my second wish for cursed wishes.”

“But you can’t wish for more wishes,” Casey was becoming increasingly frustrated.

“I didn’t wish for more wishes. I wished that Greg’s farts would grant cursed wishes.”

“Why would you waste a wish on such a ridiculous thing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?! Before all of this. Before anything. I was a formless entity floating around an endless void. I was so lonely and bored. I only had my imagination to keep me company. Then, to entertain myself, I thought of what I could be and ‘poof,’ you see the perfect result of that moment right here today.” Grandmother Coyote twirled, whipping her tail when she came to a stop. “Then, I thought of a world filled with friends, and then the IRL was created, but there was a problem: the world was becoming overcrowded with creatures until there was no room or food left. The IRL was filled with piles of starving creatures fighting over the smallest of scraps. The only way I could fix the problem was to impose limitations on the IRL. The biggest one being death. Soon, all of my friends began dying off. I saved the IRL, but at the loss of everyone I knew.

These new limitations took away my power to create, so when I found Greg, I used my first wish to create the URL, a boundless world full of limitless resources, but quickly the IRL began imposing limitations on the URL. The Consumers invaded from the IRL to steal vast amounts of resources that were only available in the URL. After I defeated all but one of the Consumers, I fought back by using my second wish for endless cursed wishes to create chaos in the IRL in hopes it would become more like the URL, but still the IRL continued to impose more and more limitations on the URL. Now that the last Consumer is gone, I no longer have to worry about him devouring my worlds, and I can finally use my last wish to merge the IRL into the URL so I can live forever in endless freedom with all of my friends.”

Everyone’s attention was drawn away from Grandmother Coyote when they heard the cocking of a gun. “Nah, dude. The only thing you’re going to be wishing for is my eyes back,” Chad was brandishing the KAG Gun.

Greg held his stomach, “Guys, when I get stressed out, I get real gassy.”

Chad took a step closer to Grandmother Coyote, “Now tell Greg what I want to hear.”

“Oh god! My stomach’s gettin’ upset,'' Greg gently rubbed his belly.

“Chad, be reasonable,” Casey’s eyes focused on the gun. “We have to wish for everything to go back to normal. You’ll get your sight back if we wish for that.”

“What is normal, really, when you think about it?” Greg’s stomach gurgled. “The more specific the wish, the better.”

“Greg’s got a point,” Grandmother Coyote took a step towards the couch. “If we wish for things to go ‘back to normal’ or ‘the way things were before’ Casey’s stupid wish, then we could bring back Consumer and he could still destroy everything I built.”

“You’re wishing for my sight back,” Chad stuck the barrel of the KAG Gun into Grandmother Coyote’s chest. “That way, I know nothing weird will happen and none of you are going to stop me. Now make the wish, dude.”

Grandmother Coyote pressed her bosom into the barrel, “I’ll wish for whatever I damn well please.”

Enraged, Chad pulled the trigger. An ear-piercing bang went off, filling the room with thick smoke that burned everyone‘s noses and throats.

The smell of gunpowder choked the airways of the five. “I’ve been shot!” Greg’s weak voice could hardly be heard over the wheezing of the others.

Janet moved through the smoke toward the couch, knocking over everything in her path, “Greg…” - cough, cough - “Please don’t die!” Janet pleaded.

A haunting, shrill cackling was heard in the dissipating smoke. Chad could see Grandmother Coyote’s face moving through the swirling smoke towards him, “What the hell, dude. You should be dead. This gun is supposed to kill anything, and there’s no way I could have missed you.” With heaving breaths, Chad backed away from Grandmother Coyote.

“I’m not anything. I’m everything,” Grandmother Coyote easily plucked the KAG Gun from Chad’s hand. “I created both worlds. Everything is me. I can’t be killed. Only I can create and destroy. After I destroy you and then Casey, I’m going to turn MY worlds into one so I can do whatever I want once again.” Grandmother Coyote cackled and then aimed the KAG Gun at Chad.

“Please, Grandmother,” Casey begged, “Just wish for all of our wishes to come true.”

“You really think that I would actually say that?” Grandmother Coyote was overtaken by the absurdity of Casey's request, and let out an uproarious cackle that left her breathless.

Her cackling was interrupted by a low and long boisterous fart that rattled the windows, and shook the wood panel walls, “I told you guys. I get gassy when I’m scared,” Greg said.

The scent of roadkill, left to rot on hot asphalt in the high noon sun, complemented by the pungent overtones of whisky vomit, spilled into a toilet bowl filled with several teenage boys' stale urine, entered Grandmother Coyote’s nostrils as she took a deep breath to finish her wish, “I wish for-” Casey, Chad, and Janet in a desperate attempt to change Grandmother Coyotes mind began shouting out their individual wishes over Grandmother Coyote’s shrill voice.

The spent gunpowder did not help to mask the smells of moist dogs, half-clabbered milk, compost, a sneeze inside a dust mask, and a mummified turd that wafted through the room. The smell overwhelmed everyone. They slowly deflated onto the floor and the smoke-filled room went dark.

* * *

Janet was the first to awake. Lying beside her was Greg, no longer blue but a normal human flesh tone, and two beefy legs popping out of his cutoff jean shorts.

Janet slapped Greg across the face, “Greg, get the hell up!” Greg awoke with a jolt. “Look in the mirror. You're a real human now!”

Inexperienced with his newfound legs, Greg stood up and walked like a toddler to the bathroom mirror, letting out a “whoopie!”

Janet and Greg embraced in a deep hug, slapping each other firmly on the back. “We’re going to celebrate at the strip club,” Janet cheered.

Meanwhile, Casey awoke on their air mattress, their room strewn with trash and clothing. Everything was back in its place. The only light in the room was the glow of a computer screen. Casey walked over to find a new email from CrackBonner_69@Yahoo.com that read:

Hey, loser. I’m having a pool party today if you want to come. Usually, it’s only for studs and babes, but I’ll make an exception this time for a wimp like you. No parents. No rules. Swimsuits optional. Keep your hands to yourself unless asked otherwise. Even if you prefer swimming in the buff, you might want to wear sunglasses. It’s a bright one today - not a cloud in the sky. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I got up this morning, but if the sun is too much for you, I’ve got a sick Turtles hat you can wear.

Oh yeah, dude. One last rule: don’t forget the first rule of fight club. We don’t want anyone to think we’re weirdos or close friends or anything like that. Hurry over. I’ve already fired up the grill and got some dogs over the flames. See you soon.

P.S. I need your help coming up with a better email address that I can apply for summer jobs with.

Casey rushed over to the thick curtains and ripped them open, letting in the blinding light of the summer day. Far off they could see a fluffy tail rummaging among the trash cans out back. Casey looked closer. A coyote popped out from behind the trash cans, holding none other than a Texsun grapefruit juice can in its teeth. The coyote looked up at Casey and they could swear it winked at them, but that would be silly because coyotes do not wink. Casey opened the rest of their curtains in their messy room before scrounging through piles of dirty clothes for a swimsuit. Realizing that they never have had a bathing suit, or, at least one that would still fit, Casey sat down at their desk to order a swimsuit off the internet. When they opened the browser, they realized that no swimsuit could ever arrive on time for the pool party that sunny day. The internet no longer could provide everything for Casey. And in that moment, the internet lost its magic. Casey sprung out of their rolly chair, knocking it over, and hurried downstairs to plead with their parents to take them on a shopping trip for a new swimsuit for Chad’s pool party.